Aesop's Fables: The Dark Side


Wednesday, 25th March 2020


Minutes from AAGM (Animals Annual General Meeting): November 2019
Present:
Chairman – Chimpanzee
Vice-Chairman: Gorilla
Secretary: Orang-Utan
Plus, all the animals of the world.

Secretary: First, apologies from the three-toed sloth. He’s on his way but got held up.
Chairman: Okay, let’s make a start. I would like to propose a motion to-
Marmoset: Why is it all the great apes got the best jobs round here?
Chairman: We’ve been through this before, Marmoset.
Marmoset: It’s a fucking stitch-up. You scratch my back, I pick your fleas-
Vice-Chairman: One more word, Marmoset, and it’ll be you getting stitched up – at the hospital.
Secretary: Okay, order, order. Calm it down, hyenas. This is business. So, everybody listen up.
Chairman: As I was saying, I would like to propose a motion to wreak a little mischief on the humans.
Vice-Chairman: I second it.
Chairman: For too long, we’ve put up with their shit. We’ve got less rainforest, poisoned rivers, warming seas, and if I see another guy in a panda suit running a marathon, I’m gonna fucking barf. So, the committee-
Marmoset: Here we go…
Vice-Chairman: That’s it! Security, get him out.
Chairman: …so the committee have come up with a plan. It’s gonna take quite a lot of co-ordination but we can do this, guys. Reclaim the planet!
All: Reclaim the planet.
Chairman: Nice! Okay, Bat. First, you are going to incubate a coronavirus until your fever hits a spike.
Bat: Not a problem.
Chairman: Then, Pangolin you’re going to get bit by Bat.
Pangolin: Why me?
Chairman: Because the Chinese consider you an essential ingredient in medicines for women possessed by devils and ogres.
Pangolin: Fucking heathens!
Bat: How am I going to bite him? He’s an armoured tank.
Secretary: We’ve thought of that. Pangolin, you’re going to have to roll over and lie belly up.
Pangolin: What the fuck?!
Chairman: It’s for everyone, Pangolin. Just lie back and think of hundreds of thousands of humans going extinct.
Secretary: We’ve run the numbers; this is gonna be huge.
Chairman: Then, Pangolin, you’re going to walk into a trap and get caught.
Pangolin: Can’t Marmoset do this?
Vice-Chairman: Nah, he’s protected by his union.
Chairman: Next, Pangolin, you’re going to get taken to the live animal market where you’ll be carrying the coronavirus into where it can do most damage. Now, this is the important bit. Make sure you get all your scales pulled off, soaked in a boy’s urine and used as medicine.
Pangolin: This is some plan…
Chairman: Oh, and then remember to get dismembered and eaten.
Pangolin: I’ll do my best.
Chairman: Great stuff!
Pangolin: I was being sarcastic.
Chairman: All those in favour, say aye.
All: Aye
Secretary: Motion carried.
Chairman: Right, now onto Any Other Business. Any questions? Yep, Dolphin?
Dolphin: Will we be able to swim in the canals of Venice when the virus gets to Italy?
Chairman: Absolutely. That’s what this is all about. Reclaim the planet! Sika deer?
Sika deer: Can I cross the road in Nara, Japan, and get some serious social media coverage?
Chairman: Again, that’s a big yes. Badger?
Badger: Will it be safer to cross the roads at night?
Secretary: Our projections show that there will be 85% less traffic so safer, definitely.
Chairman: Last question. Seagulls of Brighton?
Seagulls of Brighton: What are we gonna fucking eat if there’s no arse-wipe humans dropping chips all over the city and no tourists to attack?
Chairman: We realise that for some of you - nits, pubic lice etcetera - this might present problems-
Pangolin: No fucking kidding!
Chairman: …but, like Orang—Utan said, we’ve run the numbers and this is gonna keep the pink apes in their hutches for quite some time. Alright, let’s wrap this up. 2020 is going to be our year, guys. Thanks to Bat and Pangolin for taking part-
Pangolin: Taking fucking part?! Taken apart, you fucking mean. Then pissed on, then-
Chairman: Like I was saying: a big thank you. Reclaim the planet!
All (except Pangolin): Reclaim the planet!


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