The Weird and Wonderful World of Trump-Merch

 

Remember when you were younger and you just went out and did some stuff and then came back again. And then went out again and did some more stuff before coming home and then the next day you went back out and did some stuff again. Oh, those were the days, weren’t they…?

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Today, I am saying my official farewell to ex-president, Donald J. Trump. It’s just time. Time I made my farewell to the great hulking snake-tongued shyster over the pond.

He has popped up in this coronavirus blog like a Whack-A-Mole that just won’t stay whacked. Donald J. Trump, Robin to COVID-19’s Batman, the willing accomplice with no purpose in life except to jump on a bandwagon of a virus that was probably, just about, killing more Democrats – black, poor people especially – than Republicans and was therefore, in his binary binocular view of only winners and losers, worth hitching his wagon to.

They say that women are afraid of men killing them and men are afraid of women laughing at them. I think Donald, more than most men, can’t stand the thought of being found funny, an object of ridicule. His money has insulated him from most of this ridicule but surely, surely, Ivanka finds him both ridiculous and disgusting. But what has been great fun is a quick dig and delve amongst the various platforms which are selling Trump merch. A lot of it is unintentionally hilarious.

Clearly, much of this merch is both an attempt to cash in on his bipartisan politics but also intended to make a comment to anyone who sees you in a MAGA hat or with a mask depicting Trump peeing on Biden’s face (and you want that on your face!?) or drinking from your set of two champagne glasses with gold TRUMP stencil (a total steal at $46 from the Trump official store – don’t go there, just don’t! I nearly turned Colonel Kurtz: ‘the horror, the horror…’). Yet, the purveyors and inventors and designers of the following items seem to have no sense of irony or the ability to see that some of their output might not depict Trump in the best possible light.

Anyway, to save you the legwork, I have trawled various online outlets and selected my favourite Trump merch that you can buy and proudly own or give to that fascist neo-con uncle of yours next Christmas.

1)      The Trump Presidential Wall Game ($13 on Amazon): Bored of Risk/Cluedo/Cards Against Humanity? Finished all your jigsaws? Crocheted the fuck out of your living room? Then it’s time to play the Trump Presidential Wall Game. Start by building the yellow wall and complete it with the last Trump brick depicting him seated on top of it all. Then take it in turns to use your miniature green trowel to poke out the bricks one by one but don’t let Trump fall! And, please please please avoid acting on your impulse to poke Trump in the eye with the point-y bit of the green trowel on your first go and knocking him backwards, arse over wobbly tits, and across the border into Mexico (this isn’t mentioned in the rules). In fact, before you play just get drunk with the rest of your local milita, chugging beer and chanting ‘Build the wall!’ and avoid any snowflake Democrats or libtards!

2)     Pool Float 2020 Inflatable Raft Ring XL ($19.99 reduced from $39.99 on Amazon): XL – the only size Donald knows. The temptations here, for me anyway, are several. One: blow up the ring, poke it in the eyes with a sharp pin, bin it. Two: blow up the ring and then let out the air like a balloon fart whilst filming it and then put it on Instagram on a loop. Three: blow up the ring and then sit on it with Donald’s head between my legs as I hold his hands in mine and ‘ride’ him across the pool like the hot white bitch he really is (sorry, sad little domination fantasy escaped me there!).

3)     Donald Trump ‘China’ sticker ($0.99 on Redbubble.com): Hmmm. Hard to know where to begin with this one. Donald’s puckered anus face with his angry mouth where his nose should be and the word ‘China’ in computer font typeface across the bottom. What’s it for? Who wants one? Nobody knows. Such a random object unless there is a Donald Trump Panini sticker album out there somewhere whose pages need filling with stickers such as these. Which might explain the next item…

4)     Trump, Putin, Pence horse riding sticker (also $0.99 on Redbubble.com): Oh my, how I love this one. The famous photograph of Putin riding a saddle-less horse with his bare chest and amateur-karate naked torso on display might already have been bordering heavily on the homo-erotic but once you Photoshop a bare-chested Donald and Mike Pence behind Putin on the same horse, you have what looks like an illicit snapshot of three men riding to a gay dogging hotspot where Donald and Vladimir will rut like stags whilst Mike watches and wipes up at the end before, presumably, they all ride back into town. I hope the designer of this image is a red-hot Republican who made this sticker with the intention of promoting the strong, macho-leader image of the far right but instead has made a perfect poster for a gay nightclub reopening.

5)     But let’s finish with this: Trump Chocolate Bullion ($15 for a set of three chocolate bars, gold, silver and bronze foil-covered available at the Trump Store.com). These, I believe (with no evidence to back my theory up), are meant to be purchased but not eaten by the purchaser. Instead, the confectionery-loving Republican must store these until one of two opportunities presents itself. Firstly and ideally, a Trump rally where there is the chance to get within six feet of the orange deity himself and fall to one’s knees in obeisance and supplication, offering the bullion back to Donald, preferably laid at his feet. Secondly, in the case of no Trump rally being attendable, one must travel to wherever the gold statue (see top) of Donald is currently in residence and lay the bullion at his gold and red feet (if one wishes to make this more of a pilgrimage, one may crawl all the way there on one’s hands and knees like a Tibetan monk but remember that Tibet is a Chinese-occupied, Communist territory so best not, actually). 

So there you have it: Trump world. You could fill your house with this stuff. But don’t. So, let’s see how he scores on the official ratings:

The ethos of the brand runs through it like a message through Brighton Rock: 9 (Oh yes: if the brand is righteous indignation and cult worship, the merchandisers have nailed it. Loss of one mark for unintentional homo-erotic signalling).

Quality control standards: 4 (Massively overpriced merch except for the stickers but quality looks okay. However, iIf any of it is made in China, then that would be perfectly ironic).

Will help you survive the pandemic: 1 (I mean, you’re not going to buy a mask are you because you don’t believe in them. The best you can hope for with this stuff is floating on the Donald inflatable ring with your shotgun on your lap, drinking through two straws from a MAGA hat that holds a beer can on each side, with the two stickers to patch up any punctures).

Total score (out of 30): 14

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So, we are nearing the end, my friends. The blog will be shut down on Sunday like an old meth lab found in the forests of west Virginia, a relic of times past. It's been fun writing; I hope you have found something along the way to raise a smile or even a fist of righteous indignation. 

Latest data for the UK (as of 12pm):

Infected: 4.23 million

Deaths: 125,000

People I know who are infected: Nobody.

Song of the Day: ‘Been Caught Stealing’ – Jane’s Addiction