The Incredible Wordsmith

Tuesday, 31st March 2020 No political rants today. My anger tank has been emptied. I am full of lightness and good cheer so it's time for the Punk Krow to answer some of your concerns. Thank you for those who answered my call out for your questions; my mailbox was bursting so if I didn't publish your query, don't worry, I will do another Q&A post at a later date. Dave of Dorset has got in touch with the following gem: Q: My wife’s undernest has grown huge as she couldn’t find any razors or wax in the shops. She’s asked me to give her a Brazilian with the garden shears but I don’t feel qualified. What should I do? That’s a great question, Dave, and I’m sure there’s plenty of others in your situation. I think that this is an opportunity for you and your wife to get closer and what better way than mixing manly tools with hair and beauty needs. Maybe in return, you could let her pop your hemorrhoids with her hair tongs as a little quid pro quo. Stephen

Monday, 30th March 2020   It’s only when you’re in a pandemic that you can truly appreciate how poorly we are equipped to deal with one. Now that’s alright if you’re Mr and Mrs or Ms or Mx Average and your overriding concern is how are you going to wipe your arse but what if you were a government whose job it is to be ready for medical emergencies on a massive scale? Well, some things were done to prepare for an outbreak like Covid-19. In October 2016, the government ran an exercise codenamed Exercise Cygnus which examined the country’s response to a flu outbreak with a mortality rate similar to coronavirus. The outcomes of the exercise were a) the discovery that the underfunded, already over-stretched NHS would not be able to cope (who knew?!) and b) the Chief Medical Officer for the UK declared that there wouldn’t be enough ventilators in the event of a pandemic. So, with that in mind, what did the government do next? I think you can guess. That’s right – fuck a

Sunday, 29 th March 2020 Ain’t life a doozy…? There they were, triumphant Tory-ism smearing the country blue and soaking up votes from the angry disenfranchised people of the not-so United Kingdom, stomping the ‘liberal elites’ and the left-wing of the Labour Party under your heel when…hold on, what’s that on the horizon? ‘It’s a pandemic, Boris.’ ‘Ah, so what are the plans?’ ‘Well, there aren’t any, really. So, over to you.’ * I think it’s time to examine the government’s response plans so far as they’ve ‘adapted’ to the crisis. The first phase, backed by some computer modelling evidence (some boffins at Imperial College playing with virus simulators) was this: 1)       No-Measures: Herd-Immunity Remember that? The moment Boris stood behind his lectern, flanked by his scientists, to tell us that, basically, we’re going to do…nothing! Genius, Boris (with the added bonus of also being very cheap to implement). You know, when the average man or woman in the str

Saturday, 28 th March 2020   The things I do, for you my loyal readers… I know more than I would like about the voting record of Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick, more than enough about Pierce Brosnan’s sartorial beach choices, and now, on your behalf, far too much about how the Christian Science community are going to survive this pandemic with prayer. It pains me, slightly, to admit, but this morning I watched all 12 minutes and 31 seconds of Michelle Nanouse’s Christian Science video, on their website, entitled ‘Finding your immunity from disease.’ Michelle explains that, “Jesus’ practice included healing. It also included spiritual defence from contagion.” Well, I am familiar with the Bible passages where Jesus heals the sick but I’m a bit fuzzy on the bit where he laid his hand on a heathen’s head and said, ‘Go forth, Covid-19, and leave this man in peace.’ Michelle quotes Mary Baker Eddy, founder of Christian Science, in her talk to the congregation: “Many a hopeles

Friday, 27 th March, 2020 Bozza’s got it! Parliament is abuzz with excitement worry… (Feel free to print this off and act it out with your family) Act 5, Scene 7: Number 10, Downing Street ( Outside the Prime Minister’s bedroom. Dominic Cummings is filing his nails whilst dictating a job advert into his phone) Cummings: …must be familiar with spinning reality into complete and utter lies that a downtrodden public will swallow whole. You will be working with a cabinet of ministers who show more loyalty to their local supermarket but you will have the final say in hiring and firing. Be aware, though, that this job is a temporary contract, up to four years, which can be cut short with minimal notice. Work involves some evenings and weekends. Please note: We DO NOT accept BAME candidates or those with disabilities, including women. If you wish to apply, then start backslapping your usual government contacts, or, if you prefer, nominate myself for the position. Closin