Everything's under control (honest)

Sunday, 29^th March 2020

Ain’t life a doozy…?

There they were, triumphant Tory-ism smearing the country blue and soaking up votes from the angry disenfranchised people of the not-so United Kingdom, stomping the ‘liberal elites’ and the left-wing of the Labour Party under your heel when…hold on, what’s that on the horizon?

‘It’s a pandemic, Boris.’

‘Ah, so what are the plans?’

‘Well, there aren’t any, really. So, over to you.’

*

I think it’s time to examine the government’s response plans so far as they’ve ‘adapted’ to the crisis. The first phase, backed by some computer modelling evidence (some boffins at Imperial College playing with virus simulators) was this:

1)      No-Measures: Herd-Immunity

Remember that? The moment Boris stood behind his lectern, flanked by his scientists, to tell us that, basically, we’re going to do…nothing! Genius, Boris (with the added bonus of also being very cheap to implement). You know, when the average man or woman in the street is hearing this with an invisible but obvious exclamation mark thought-bubble over their heads, that this is the government’s Titanic moment – ‘but we’re too great a country to sink...’

In contrast to the measures employed by China, the country of origin, that appeared to show they had got it under control, we were going our own way, free of any EU directives or advice, a brave and sovereign nation in charge of its own destiny. Plus, we’ve got a moat (English Channel/North Sea) so it’s pull up the drawbridge, smile and wave at the porous borders of that funny little landmass over there where they speak weird, then sit back and infect. No need to cancel that swingers party, no need to avoid the opera; it’s business as usual for Blighty!

You may also recall that Phase 1 had the shelf-life of a packet of bog roll during lockdown. Apparently, the boffins had tried some more modelling and discovered that the numbers were real people who didn’t live in a computer research facility and actually cared about each other – strange but true! 
So, it was onto Phase 2, for our Latin-spouting overlord:
    
2)   Contain-Delay-Mitigate-Research   

Slightly embarrassed, Boris had to wheel out the experts again to say, ‘Whoops! Actually, forget that herd idea; we’ve had a better one.’ And it did sound better. ‘Contain’ sounds sensible; ‘Delay,’ seems like an excellent idea; ‘Mitigate’ no-one will understand; and ‘Research’ is surely necessary. Oh, and now we’re not just a big dumb herd grazing bovine-ly in the meadows of England, watching each other keel over to lie belly up in the spring sunshine. So it's all going to be fine from now on. Except…except what was now proposed as official guidance was contrary to the advice WHO were giving out loudly and clearly: test, test, test/trace, trace, trace. In other words, be pro-active and vigorous and timely in your response.

Of course, by the time Boris and his computer modelling chums had tried Phase 1 and 2 out, it was too late, anyway, so it was on to Phase 3.

3)     Suppress-Shield-Treat-Palliate

This is where we are now. The hand-washing joke-telling, smiling blimp-buffoon has now got Covid-19 himself and with it, the dawning realization that…it was a real virus all along and not something ‘Sir’ made up at Eton to stop you masturbating. And by now, some of what was leaking out of government circles was a concern that the ordinary dumb folk of the UK (‘Well, they had voted for us, after all’) might get ‘fatigue’ if they went too fast with control measures. So, better to react to things a little late and watch the infection curve accelerate than make ‘the herd’ tired of government advice. It’s worth breaking down:

‘Suppress’ – aim for some people to still be alive at the end of it.

‘Shield’ – everybody on the naughty step.

‘Treat’ – let them drink beer as long as they don’t leave their homes.

‘Palliate’ – no mass graves just yet and an over-worked nurse to offer you a tired smile as you shuffle off this mortal coil

            To save you wondering what’s next, I’m going to leak the next few phases. I do not have an inside line to the workings of government but I think we can see what’s around the corner and how the elite members of the Tory cabinet will frame it for us.

4)     Lie-Cheat-Panic-Buy

Jacob Rees-Mogg had wanted Phase 4 to be called ‘Let-Them-Eat-Cake’ but apparently this had been tried before and the outcomes for the ruling elite were not too fruity. Boris, however, will wave this one through without any need for flanking scientists/experts or any computer modelling. The first two, lying and cheating, are second nature. ‘Panic’ is just the new normal and ‘buy’ means, if you can, propping up the ailing economy by shopping or, if you’re still in the money, there’s bound to be an opportunity to buy some free-falling shares and make a killing on the stock exchange at some point.

Phase 5 will be enacted when the computer modellers belatedly realise that lots of the ‘numbers’ are wandering the streets with pitchforks (this ain’t America) looking for someone to blame. So, it’s time to…

5)     Get-In-The-Bunker

Now, Phase 5 might seem a little exclusive.

‘I haven’t got a gilded, hermetically-sealed, solar-powered luxury bunker pre-stocked with Bollinger and crates of port,’ I hear you say.

Well, this is where we sort the wheat (rich) from the chaff (you and I: the herd), says the land-owning, Eton-educated, Oxford delinquent, pulled-myself-up-by-my-own-bootstraps chap or chapette. ‘Qui non paret, non para.’

That’s ‘He who fails to prepare, prepares to fail,’ to you and me. It seems we are on our own once Phase 5 is announced.

Phase 6 is a post-pandemic phase.

6)     Is-Anybody-Still-Alive?

Emerging from their bunkers – bow-ties slightly askew, gout-ridden legs struggling to carry their entitled, crinkled white arses into the light – the Tory overlords will do a quick tally chart and find out that they, alone, rule the land. And there’s no need to hide a smile because the herd-chaff are dead, having been ‘advised’ to their own destruction. Sad, really…

Finally, there is Phase 7: post-post pandemic and titled simply:

7)     The-Rich-Shall-Inherit-The-Earth

An early prototype salute from Herr Boris

To officially implement Phase 7, Boris addresses the Con-gregation at his Checkers ‘Survival of the Fittest Party’ which has a right-wing theme and to which everyone comes dressed as Nazis or Ku Klux Klan (because there are no ‘snowflakes’ to kick up a fuss).

‘God bless the good ship Blighty!’ Boris declares and everyone undoes their trousers to wave their gilded knobs in the air. ‘We did it, chaps, we bloody did it!’

Latest data for the UK (as of 11pm):

Infected: 19,522

Deaths: 1,228

Celebrity Deaths: 0

People I know who are infected: 1

Song of the Day: ‘Manhole Cover’ - Monkeyface