School Reports for the Tory Cabinet
Call me nostalgic but do you remember when the streets
were paved with gold and magical unicorns shat Bitcoins into your hands when
you gave their balls a squeeze? Ah, those were the days…
This week, in true teacher mode, I have decided to
give the members of the government their annual school report after their first
year in Reception Class cabinet.
Who is sharing the toys? Who sulks and throws tantrums? Who cries for their
mommy until they wet themselves? Only one way to find out….
*
Priti Patel – D-
Priti has
struggled in her first year here at Blighty Primary School. She has some
identity issues that will need addressing and often walks around the playground
saying, ‘Me top white girl, me top white girl, pretty princess, pretty princess’
until another child rides a scooter into her shins to shut her up.
Although
her reading and writing are coming along well, her poor social skills mean she
is often left to play on her own in the corner with the big pile of toys she
has snatched off the other children. Priti’s imaginary play often involves her wearing
a cardboard crown and making the other children kneel down in front of her or
carry her lunchbox whilst walking just behind her. Already the other children
are leaving her name off their birthday party lists and it would be such a
shame if she throws away her potential and ends up a Tory with a heart of coal.
Gavin
Williamson – C
Gavin is
a rather shy boy but finds great pleasure in his small accomplishments, like having
a ‘dry day’ in school (though these are infrequent). Rather than initiate play,
he likes to join others in their games even when they totally ignore him. He has
also struggled to understand whether the school is open or shut and has often appeared
on our CCTV footage standing at the school gates on weekend mornings.
Overall,
Gavin’s bog-standard personality means he is compliant with school rules and doesn’t
often get noticed apart from to be marked 'alive' in the register. With some hard work and perseverance, he might find work in
a small supermarket.
Dominic Cummings
– F
I have
written a report for Dominic even though he has left the school and despite the
fact he was never officially on the register here. In his short stay with us,
however, he certainly left his mark.
Dominic is
a bit of a misfit with some strange ideas of what constitutes acceptable social
interactions. For the first couple of weeks it was impossible to see his facial
expression because he kept his grey woolly hat pulled down over his face and
just made animal noises (he ‘moo-ed’ through an entire day once).
After
that, he liked to watch the other children play games before making a single decisive
interference: knocking down a tower they had built or spitting in their
play-doh, for instance. When challenged on his behaviour, he had a tendency to
smirk and if I raised my voice with him then he would shit himself, still smirking,
as a final act of defiance.
In all
honesty, it is a relief to see him gone, though he did take with him one of our
ride-along cars saying he was going ‘to Barnard Castle to be the king.’ We
would like the car back but not Dominic.
Michael Gove – D
Michael is
a rather edgy figure in the class, happiest on the fringes and always on the move. He always seems to be in the vicinity
when things go wrong without ever taking any of the blame.
A recent
visit from the Raptor Society ended rather distressingly when the little owl
went missing and turned up later with all its wing feathers pulled off.
Although we could never find out who did it, Michael’s end of term nature
collage that he brought in from home featured a lot of similar looking feathers.
He is a
reluctant writer but can verbalise his thoughts in language far exceeding his
years. When I asked him what job he might like when he was older, he told me
that he wanted to ‘be a security guard on a nightshift because they work in the
shadows’.
He makes
friends easily but never for very long. Except with Priti who he calls his ‘future
wife’. We think Michael would benefit from reading less books about sharks and
more about real people.
Matthew
Hancock – C
Matthew
tries so hard I could cry sometimes. He is a sensitive little boy who often
looks ‘lost in the crowd’, standing to one side wistfully looking in.
It is getting
hard to read books to the class over the sound of Matthew’s weeping and he
finds even the mildest reading material very upsetting (the mummy duck
separated from her ducklings; the girl who spilt her milkshake; the ant sitting
on the leaf).
We would
all love Matthew to find his place in the class and join in with the other
children but so far he is only happy in the ‘feelings fort’ holding on to one of
the small dolls and sucking his thumb. His frequent stomach aches are probably
just a nervous tummy but they do mean he misses out on lots of fun activities.
I suppose he could always be a lighthouse keeper but he seems so afraid of
bright lights…
Rishi Sunak
– C
I hesitate
to use this phrase about a child but Rishi is a smarmy little git. We are all
aware of his aptitude with numbers but this first year is also very important
for a child’s social development and in this area Rishi struggles.
Despite
our constant reminders, we still have to tell him on a daily basis that he can’t
give away all our toys and games to the other children in the class because he
hasn’t paid for them. Most of the other parents understand and return these
things straight away but we have still lost a lot of toys this year.
Rishi really
wants to be liked and for all the other children to be happy but there is a desperation
in his eyes and deeds. Although he is well-meaning, charging children to go on
the scooters and then buying rides on them himself for a cheaper price doesn’t
endear himself to his peers. His writing is coming on and I will end the report
with what he wrote recently in reply to the question ‘What do you want to be
when you are older?’
Boris Johnson
– F
I think
the kindest thing I can say about Boris is that he is full of life.
Unfortunately, he has the constitution of a rhinoceros and so he has not had a
single sick day during which the other children could fully relax.
I suppose
he does mean well but his clumsiness combined with his lack of social graces
mean we have had to put many of our equipment and resources into storage for
the rest of the year. I won’t elaborate on the ‘incident’ with the lady frog
puppet and Boris in the ‘feelings fort’ because it has been dealt with by the
safeguarding team but we all find it a little worrying and, as a witness to the
act, little Matthew Hancock is still wearing a look of horror and seeing the
school nurse.
Of course,
he is a precocious child but we see little advantage in Boris knowing his Latin
conjugations before his English alphabet. Also, we have found it impossible to
stop him doing armpit farts during learning time which only he now finds
funny. In the dinner hall, he has an obsession with trying to upend the tables and
plates (‘playing Bullingdon’, as he calls it) and pulling his trousers down to ‘moon’
the dinner ladies (two of which have now left). And we have told him so many
times that he doesn’t need to wear a tie in Reception Class and he can’t smoke
cigars in the sandpit.
If he doesn’t
mend his ways, we can only imagine he will end up in prison or the Conservative
Party and nobody wants that for their child, do they? Perhaps a move to private
education would suit Boris where he could be surrounded by similarly socially-challenged
equals.
*********************************************************************************
A quick
heads up: I am seriously considering ending this blog, nearly a year on from
when I started it. Obviously, Covid-19 is going to be a feature of our lives
now, probably permanently in some form, but my appetite for writing about it and
your appetite for reading my views on it will, I am sure, wane. Like a professional
athlete, I want to end things on my terms, while I am still not embarrassed of
my output. Just so you know…
Latest data for the UK (as of 12pm):
Infected: 4.19
million
Deaths: 124,000
People I know who are infected: Nobody.
Song of the Day: ‘Future Me Hates Me’ – The Beths
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