The Punk Krow knows everything (Q&A)

Tuesday, 31st March 2020

No political rants today. My anger tank has been emptied. I am full of lightness and good cheer so it's time for the Punk Krow to answer some of your concerns.

Thank you for those who answered my call out for your questions; my mailbox was bursting so if I didn't publish your query, don't worry, I will do another Q&A post at a later date.

Dave of Dorset has got in touch with the following gem:

Q: My wife’s undernest has grown huge as she couldn’t find any razors or wax in the shops. She’s asked me to give her a Brazilian with the garden shears but I don’t feel qualified. What should I do?

That’s a great question, Dave, and I’m sure there’s plenty of others in your situation. I think that this is an opportunity for you and your wife to get closer and what better way than mixing manly tools with hair and beauty needs. Maybe in return, you could let her pop your hemorrhoids with her hair tongs as a little quid pro quo.

Stephen C of Shropshire wants to know the following:

Q: I’ve got three children and one of them is fucking annoying me already; is it okay to eat him?

Eating children goes back a long way; if it was good enough for Cronos, I don’t see why you can’t have a little snack. Nibbling little bits off him will make him last longer but if he’s small enough, you might want to fold him into a tray bake.

Justin, of Swampscott, USA, has this question:

Q: Is this the first ever worldwide game of hide and seek? I haven’t seen anyone else for 17 days and I’m wondering if I’m ‘on’ ?

Yes, and yes. You’ve been on since the beginning of March and, quite frankly, I’m a bit bored of lying behind the sofa, waiting for you to find me. Get a move on, lad!

Ryan, in Colorado, USA, writes in to ask:
Q: I’ve learnt 12 languages in 12 days using Duolingo but I’m struggling to motivate myself to get to 13. Any advice?

Yes, I’m full of it (and advice). I would suggest having a go at something a bit different, like learning the Ogham Tree Alphabet. The OTA was developed by druids to communicate using a series of finger movements or, if they wanted to be more discreet, even signalling on their own noses. It’s incredibly difficult and useless, and you won’t find anyone else who ‘speaks’ it unless you get lucky at the Stonehenge summer solstice bong and drum party. Still, it will keep you busy.

Nicola, in London, asks the following:

Q: My husband and I have tried all the positions in the Kama Sutra twice and now we are just going through the motions. Any ideas?

I would say now is an excellent time for you to take a look at the ‘Cabi-Feti’ website, an online retailer selling fetish wear based on members of the cabinet. Last time I looked, there was a sale on the Jacob Rees-Mogg outfit (with cut-out bum cheeks) and the Priti Patel ‘Home Secretary’ set is pretty saucy. Role-play has to be the way forward:

              Priti (Nicola): ‘Ooh, you naughty, naughty Tory; come into my office!’

             Jacob M-R (Nicola’s other half): ‘But Nanny has just run me a bath!’

You get the idea. Let me know how you get on…

Emma S, also from Dorset, wants to know:

Q: I’ve mangled my husband’s hemorrhoids with my hair tongs and there’s blood everywhere. Will it come out of my corset on an 80-degree wash?

I haven’t got a clue. But if you do try it, remember to remove the supporting whalebones from their slots before you bung your corset in the wash. Whales are protected now or something so these may be difficult to replace.

Emily, from Hove, is stumped:

Q: I haven’t seen my boyfriend since the lockdown and I’m not sure if he still loves me. How can I tell for sure?

Luckily, Emily, I can answer this one as your boyfriend is my son. So, I can tell you that he has carved a little Emily effigy out of a parsnip which he keeps under his pillow and the last thing I hear at night is him whispering sweet nothings to Emily Parsnip. I think it’s pretty obvious how he feels…

Lee, in Hampshire, writes in:

Q: I’m fucking bored!

Not really a question, is it, Lee. The French philosopher, Blaise Pascal, said, ‘All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone,’ but then he was a condescending arse so yeah, Lee, we’re all bored. You’re bored, I’m bored, the kids are bored, lockdown is boring, life is shit and you can’t go down the pub like you usually do, get shitfaced, buy a kebab, and call up a London escort to bring you some cocaine, her whip and your gimp outfit. But eventually, we’ll all get our old lives back.

Amanda S, from Sussex, says:

Q: My husband seems to have fallen in love with his blog and spends all day reading the news obsessively and then boring the pants off me. Should I lock him in the shed?

Absolutely not, Amanda. Have you considered that his genius needs an outlet and that locking him in the shed just deprives the world of his creativity? Instead, try lavishing even more care on him and taking some of the more tedious house chores off his to-do list (cleaning the toilet etc). That way, he’ll be more productive and you’ll feel you’ve re-established yourself in the household by donning those marigolds and the plunger. I hope that answers your question (and saves your marriage).

Latest data for the UK (as of 11pm):

Infected: 25,150

Deaths: 1,789

Celebrity Deaths: 0 (all in their bunkers, presumably)

People I know who are infected: 3 (my boss, my teaching assistant, and Sol’s mate)

Song of the Day: ‘The Kids Are Alright’ – The Who