Pro-lifer or No-lifer? Let's make up Dan's mind for him!

Thursday, 26^th March 2020

I know it’s early days in this lockdown business, and Bozza could get his dough-y fists out again to give us a right good telling off if we don’t all obey the ‘advice’, but – whisper it – I don’t mind my new confinement. Actually, this imposed lifestyle – like living in some Scandinavian open prison – is one I could easily adopt.

Now I am not the most sociable of creatures, and anyone who wants to get in touch with me usually goes through my wife, but being told to keep apart from people by a distance of 6 feet is almost my ideal. Also, I like hanging out with my family together because we all get on and find ways of being together and apart without it getting stress-y (so far). The combination of work and play minus the hassle of actually driving to and from work and anyone watching you do it, is quite liberating.

Today, I got up at dawn, with the annoying dog who just wanted to see someone with two legs who she loves, and drank a coffee whilst trying to complete a sandwich sudoku. Then I went to the supermarket to do a shop for my parents and having only 50 people in the store does mean queueing at a polite distance from each other to get in but once you’re inside, it’s nice and quiet and the shelves were even stocked reasonably well. After dropping the shopping, I came home, did some work for school, went in the garden and messed about making some pallet garden furniture in the sunshine and suddenly it was lunch which was had at the back of the garden with a magpie rackety-racketing above our heads and the sun making it very pleasant to shut one’s eyes and pretend that all is good in the world.

I drink the last of my coffee and show the inside of the mug to my wife.

‘Read my fortune,’ I say.

She stares at the dregs. ‘You’re going to stay at home for a long while,’ she says.

‘Will I meet a beautiful lady?’ I ask.

‘You already have,’ she says (and then we both puked all over our feet at how ironically gush-y we were being).

Then I took my youngest son to the beach, blew up the paddleboard and we both went out on the sea, and, in my case, in the sea (refreshing but not too bad). Finally, home to do some copy-editing of a Chinese romance novel translated poorly by a piece of software for which I get paid per chapter, listening to a YouTube Danny Rampling Essential Mix from 1996 (it just helps me work faster). At 6pm, my wife and I do a streamed yoga class from the studio that we usually attend, then dinner, bit of Netflix and, all in all, not a bad day to be alive.

Of course, there’s the rub: to be alive. To be or not to be; that’s the fucking question hanging over all this like a sneeze. And so, to our next Covidiot (incidentally, this term went a bit viral itself about three days ago but I coined it first; just saying): Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick of Texas. Dontcha just love it when someone professes to speak for the whole community? Republican Dan told Fox News that they should keep the country open for business and if a few million people die, well, that’s better than the Dow Jones Index dropping a few points:

“You know, Tucker, no one reached out to me and said, ‘As a senior citizen, are you willing to take a chance on your survival in exchange for keeping the America that all America loves for your children and grandchildren?’” Patrick said. “And if that’s the exchange, I’m all in.”

He claimed that “lots of grandparents” across the country would agree with him. Well, Dan, I agree with you. I want you “in.” If every old, white, Republican, Trump-voting, male, gun-owning, pro-lifer, wants to hire a small football stadium, drink beer, shake hands, turn blue from lack of oxygen and die in each other’s arms, then I say let them. Maybe, just maybe, Covid-19 can make the world a better place.

A quick look at Dan’s voting record tells you all you need to know about how he has dedicated his life to others:

·         November, 2013: Dan co-sponsors a bill, which is passed, to impose strict facility requirements for abortion clinics, meaning most of the 42 clinics in Texas will have to close. Way to go, Dan!

·         May, 2013: Votes for ‘school marshall’ to be a new law enforcement category. This is part of the ‘more guns in schools’ argument for reducing school mass shootings. I am sure, given time, we can arm the teachers, the office staff, the cleaners, the canteen workers, and, finally, the kids themselves. Then they’ll be safe. Nice work again, Dan!

·         May, 2013: Votes against – wait for it – Equal Pay for Women. Well, it is the seventeenth century and if we give them equal pay then next they’ll want the vote and then where will we be. It’s another open goal and Dan scores!

·         February, 2013: Co-sponsors a bill, which passes, requiring drug-testing for unemployment benefits. Yeah, let’s stomp them poor, muthafuckas when dem down. ‘What, you outta work and high at the same time? Shame on you!’ Dan Patrick: Expanding the American dream, one claim-denial at a time!

Oh, and the list goes on and on and on: Requiring an ultrasound before an abortion (tick); Prohibit texting while driving (‘Hell, no! Our fathers didn’t die in Vietnam so that central government can take away our right to drive into a lamppost one-handed!’); Voter Identification Requirements (tick: ‘Because poor people who claim benefits and do drugs shouldn’t be allowed a say in who runs the country!’); Increasing wrongful conviction compensation (‘No smoke without fire! Bit of jail time is good for the soul’) etcetera, etcetera, etcetera…

So, Dan, please post some pics on social media of you volunteering in the local hospital as part of your civic duty to wipe your own ultra-conservative, super-wrinkled arse right off this planet. You’re in our thoughts and prayers…