The New Abnormal (and a silver fox)

Sunday, 22^nd March 2020

Are you opening doors by grabbing the handle with your hand tucked up inside your sleeve? Are you still playing tennis but marking the balls with different initials and only touching ‘your’ ones? Have you eyed up people you’re about to pass in the street for an aura of death? Are you overthinking things? I know I am…

Welcome to the new abnormal!

The line between paranoia and taking precautions is pretty thin, ain’t it? Labelling Covid-19 as the ‘invisible enemy’ doesn’t help, in that respect, like in some schlocky B-movie horror film: ‘It’s already inside your house… It’s already inside YOU!’

Sorry! Hope you weren’t chilling in your hammock, staring at the bright blue skies of spring, balancing a bucket of gin on your lap and fantasizing about the creative projects you’re going to embark on with all that working-from-home-time you’re about to have. If even ISIS are warning that this is not a good time to travel to Europe for a bit of jihad, then you know we’re in the shit. And pardon me if I’m struggling to see the sense in their latest advice: ‘Hey, mujahideen, don’t go to Europe now and die a senseless death because when this is all over, we’ll need you to go to Europe and die a senseless death…’

At least in China things are returning to normal. No new infections, shops and businesses re-opening, along with, I suppose, live animal markets so that’s alright then.  As long as little Huang can still get his weekly exotic dinner treat, that’s all that matters.

‘Mummy, my bat tastes funny!’

‘Shut up and eat the wings. That’s the best bit. And there’s starving kids in Italy who’d kill for a bit of bat right now.’

It’s also actually a good time to get yourself a little rhino horn as Africa has a Biblical contagion to deal with as well as a Biblical plague of locusts about to hatch and swarm and devour the local food supply for a large part of the continent. As they say on the Saharan sub-continent: ‘It never rains but it pours.’

I hope you appreciate these blog posts ‘cos it’s now got to the point where I’m doing fucking research. Today, to try and avoid my in-built confirmation bias of only getting my news from anarchist media outlets such as the Guardian and the BBC, I decided to have a look at how the Daily Mail is covering things at the moment. It was reassuring to see that the front cover was still all about the pandemic and that, in fact, all the stories listed down the side of the page were also about coronavirus. It’s just that these other stories all involved celebrities and how they were ‘handling’ the crisis.

So, I thought it was good of Demi Rose, 24, Instagram model, to share on social media a ‘throwback’ picture (one taken before the beginning of the end of the world) of her topless on a rope swing over a private pool from her luxury villa. I don’t know about you but I’d like to say hats off to Demi for letting her ‘followers’ see her in the buff and well done, Daily Mail for sticking it in their paper. If your anxiety levels are a little high, it’s good to know there’s someone out there thinking how she can remove some clothes to improve your mood, a boner being scientifically proven to scare away Covid-19 pathogens. When the loo roll runs out, I’ll have no problem running Demi’s stupid face between both my butt cheeks.

The Mail (is it okay to shorten it or does that sound like we’re mates?) ran a story about Eva Longoria that sounded, just for a moment, like they disapproved of how she had told her followers to stay inside and then dared to embark ‘on a solo workout session around her Los Angeles neighbourhood.’ But that was it for the pseudo-scolding because the rest of the ‘article’ was a list of what she was wearing: ‘Longoria braved the open air in a black athletic tank-top paired with figure hugging leggings.’ Brave, brave Longoria, long may you offer us advice and do the opposite in these times of darkness.

Or maybe you want to know how Simon Cowell is doing with all this. Well, I’ll tell you: he ‘…stepped out for some fresh air’ to enjoy ‘a family stroll along a beach near their Malibu home’.  The music mogul ‘…kept things casual for the family outing.’ And then, just when you’ve been regaled with what the whole fucking family are wearing, the Mail drops this in at the end: ‘The outing came just hours after new legislation in the state warned residents to stay at home in a bid to tackle the current Covid-19 virus.’

‘Get your shoes on, son.’

‘Why, Dad?’

‘Cos we’re going for a walk.’

‘But a few hours ago, the government passed legislation designed to make residents stay at home, Dad. So we don’t die gasping for breath in a hospital corridor.’

‘It’s alright, son. We’re going to…keep it casual.’

‘Phew, that’s alright then.’

Or maybe you’re sitting at home with a giant white cross chalked on your door and reassuring yourself with the thought that at least all the old James Bond actors are in the same boat as you. Well, sorry to disappoint you again but…

‘Pierce Brosnan, 66, looked to be thoroughly enjoying his isolation as he frolicked shirtless on the beach with his swimsuit clad wife Keely Shaye Smith. The former James Bond looked every inch the silver fox while sunning himself shirtless on the sand and taking a dip in the bracing ocean waves this weekend.’

So, there you have it: ISIS have cancelled their busman’s holiday to the Isle of Wight; Demi Rose has her tits out to cheer you up; and Pierce Brosnan is frolicking in the waves like a silver fox.

Welcome to the new abnormal! Unless you’re a celebrity…

Latest data for the UK (as of 10:47pm):

Infected: 5,683

Deaths: 281

Celebrity Deaths: None (but come on Demi/Simon/Pierce)

People I know who are infected: 0

People I know who have died: 0

Song for the day: ‘Wipe Out’ – The Surfaris