League of Nations: Part 2

Wednesday, 29^th April 2020

Do you remember when the population of the world was a little bigger? I do.

Anyway, it’s back: Part 2 (countries placed 4-6) of this inaugural World Covid-Response League of Nations (just imagine the Champions League theme tune here). We start moving here from the merely competent to the shockingly asinine before we get to the jaw-dropping, WTF-ery of the bottom four countries over the rest of the week. So, sit back, pour yourself a mug of Ovaltine and read all about iiiiiiiiiiit.

Sweden: 4th

Waited to Act: 5

Country Run by a Man: 6

Leader Shakes Hands: 0

Sarcastic Bleach Ingestion Jokes: 0

Started the Whole Shitshow by Eating a Pangolin: 0                                                                                  Made Decisions Based on the Economy (instead of saving lives): 5                             Total: 20

FAAT FAAAAACT!!!: In Stockholm, the nightclubs are still open. Yeah, baby, let’s party like it’s 1999! So laid back, those Swedes. Ice-cool, and other clichés. Totally Bjorn Borg-ing it!

So, even though the country is run by a man, they seem to be doing alright. Because there is a high level of trust between the public and the government and not everyone has automatic assault rifles in their homes (yes, America, I am talking about you and we will get to you in this list), Sweden has avoided lockdown and just asked everyone nicely to not cough in each other’s faces. Or burn down the 5G masts. Or stab the tyres of the ambulances. You know, that sort of thing…

Also, no-one there ate an infected pangolin to get rid of the ogre that was possessing them and so they have avoided starting a second global pandemic right in their backyard. Lovely, lovely Sweden. Nice-y nice-y Swedes. Must invite them all round for a cup of tea when this thing’s over.

Australia: 5th

Waited to Act: 6

Country Run by a Man: 8

Leader Shakes Hands: 0

Sarcastic Bleach Ingestion Jokes: 0

Started the Whole Shitshow by Eating a Pangolin: 0

Made Decisions Based on the Economy (instead of saving lives): 6                  Total: 20

FAAT FAAAAAACT!!!: Australians are just Brits that didn’t make the cut (this is the international year of the cliché, so bear with me).

One of my favourite things to watch and re-watch on Youtube is only about 2 minutes long. In it, an Aussie guy is driving through the outback when he sees a giant fucking tall sand-red tornado whipping across the dusty desert. He is very excited. He can’t believe his good luck. He’s getting it all on camera. But that isn’t enough.

So, he stops his pickup and films himself running into it in that gung-ho, hang-the-consequences kind of way that ALL (yes, ALL! cliché-hunters) Aussies have as part of their DNA. As he gets to the edge of the tornado, he has the sudden realisation that he is about to die a very horrible, violent death and changes his mind, running back to the car where he cowers as it is pelted with rocks and sand and he shits himself so hard it comes out of his nostrils. Dontcha just love ’em, though?

Aussies – bit bloody good at cricket and surfing. Not really well known for anything else. Also, they’ve got a PM who is an absolute arse: Scott Morrison. And he’s a man (all the science says so); the first male leader in this official League of Nations.

I suppose at this point I should point out the gaping hole between 4^th and 5^th in this list. After the first four countries in the league, the rest are battling out for biggest fuck-up. Now Scott Morrison has previous. Just this year he was struggling to come to terms with cutting his holiday short BECAUSE THE WHOLE FUCKING COUNTRY WAS ON FIRE! I live in England and even I got a first degree burn and yet Scott didn’t want to relinquish his sunbed and strawberry daquiri for something so inconsequential as the end of the world.

You gotta feel for those Aussies. First, the fires, now this. So how would Scott react to a global pandemic? Would he tell everyone he was still ‘gonna bloody go to the bloody Aussie football game’ whilst cancelling all gatherings of 500 people or more sent no conflicting messages? Yes, he bloody would! Instead, the state governors took matters into their own hands with some helpful advice: ‘Going to Aussie football games will kill you and all your friends and then all your family. It’s just a fucking stupid thing to do. We strongly advise you to stay home and not listen to your Prime Minister.’

That Aussie guy in the tornado video? Well, I tracked him down and he summed up his attitude to coronavirus in an exclusive interview: ‘If I see it, I’m gonna hit it with a spade.’ Those Aussies, eh? I think they’re going to be alright.

Turkmenistan: 6th

Waited to Act: 7

Country Run by a Man: 9

Leader Shakes Hands: ? (Who knows? He’s so secretive)

Sarcastic Bleach Ingestion Jokes: 0

Started the Whole Shitshow by Eating a Pangolin: 0

Made Decisions Based on the Economy (instead of saving lives): 7                            Total: 23

As we’ve seen, there are different ways to react to a highly infectious virus during a pandemic but the magnificently monikered Gurbanguly Mälikgulyýewiç Berdimuhamedow, President of Turkmenistan, has gone his own way.

This is not really surprising because he is a bit of a maverick. Well, when I say maverick, what I really mean is power-crazy authoritarian despot. Maybe you’d like to try the following quiz about him:

1)      Which of the following activities has old Gurbanguly taken part in on live television?

a)     DJ’ing

b)     Car racing

c)      Dagger throwing

d)     Horse racing

e)     All of the above

2)     What did Gurbanguly do for work before becoming President?

a)     Minister of the Interior

b)     Postman

c)      Foreign Minister

d)     Dentist

3)     What did the mighty Gurba do after he fell off his horse in a race taking place in front of an audience of thousands?

a)     Laugh, dust himself off, and take a bow in front of everyone

b)     Kill and eat his horse

c)      Have everyone’s phones taken off them so no footage could ever ever ever be leaked onto the internet

4)     Why did Gurbangoolieface only win 97.69% of the vote in the 2017 (fair and free) election?

a)     Only a rampant egotist would claim he had won every single vote

b)     A few insane people voted against him

c)      97.69% leaves some room for improvement in the next election

5)     What has recently appeared in Ashgabat, Turkmenistan? 

       (feel free to use the picture clue above)

a)     A McDonald’s

b)     Some Draco reptilian overlords disguised as Ashgabatis

c)      A 69 foot gold statue of the great leader himself

                  Answers: 1) e  2) d  3) c  4) c  5) c

Get the picture? Anyway, The National Horse Breeder, as he likes to be known, has avoided lockdown, social distancing, testing and tracing by banning the word coronavirus from all media and even the spoken language. There. Gone. Just like that. If you can’t say it, you can’t have it, and if you can’t have it, it doesn’t exist.

Of course, a lot of people are dying of ‘severe asthma’ but you will never know that. Sometimes, a country is so glorious and noble and pure that it glides above the global pandemic. Cast your eyes upwards (maybe as you search for divine intervention or the Rapture or Tim Brooke-Taylor riding a golden swan) and you may see, passing before you, 0n a cloud of Gubangillywilly’s scented farts, the kingdom of Turkmenistan where the statues are gold, no-one ever fell off a horse, and happiness is dying in blissful ignorance of your own illness for which there is officially no name.

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Right, you lot. Same time, same place tomorrow. If you don't turn up, I can still cancel your membership to the Secret Blog Garden. Not a threat, just a reminder (like wot the Krays used to hand out). Peace!