Satanic Reptilian Overlords and Turquoise Dildos of Hope
Saturday, 11th April 2020
How did you spend this gorgeously sunny bank holiday
weekend without falling foul of the authorities? I found two ways, mainly. First,
emptying the shed at the bottom of the garden of absolutely everything and then
putting it all back in more tidily. Second, watching the two-and-a-half-hour video
of David Icke being interviewed on London Real TV about his beliefs around
coronavirus. I do not really recommend the first activity (although a tidy shed
does, to paraphrase Marie Kondo, ‘give me joy’) but I really really recommend
you avoid the David Icke interview.
In the shed, I found two things of interest. One was a
perfectly formed skeleton of a mouse, curled up at the back of the shed to take
its final sleep (aah). And in a plastic box, a large peacock butterfly who
remained there, with its wings open to display its stunning pattern and colours.
In the David Icke interview, I found nothing as beautiful
or as interesting.
If the name David Icke just triggers vague memories of
his 1990s career handbrake turn when he went from TV sports presenter to Son of
the Godhead who shalt wear turquoise, then let me bring you up to speed. David
might have remained a TV broadcaster if he hadn’t seen the former Prime
Minister Ted Heath's eyes turn black while they both waited to be interviewed on
Sky News. With this lapse in his ocular attention, Ted had exposed himself as one of the Draco reptilians who secretly rule our planet. Since this
incident revealed the truth to David, he has been desperately trying to get the
word out there that we are being controlled by a secret cabal of reptilian
overlords, if only we would open our eyes. In the last 37 years, he has
published 23 books outlining his ideas and, like all great prophets, he is
warning us that the world is about to end.
One of Donald Trump's 'Dark Suits'
So, seeing a mention of YouTube and Vimeo taking down
a video interview with Icke, I felt duty bound to search it out. Bad idea.
First of all, I would like to take issue with the term,
‘interview.’ I haven’t had time to look into London Real TV but I think when
someone has to put ‘Real’ in their company name, it is there in a vain attempt
to deflect accusations of being ‘unreal’ or ‘unhinged’ or ‘just totally fucking
bonkers.’ So, the interviewer is Brian Rose, a former banker and now founder of
London Real TV. At the end of the interview, David Icke thanks Brian: “You’re a
great interviewer, mate!” I think the last word in that sentence is key. Brian
is a stooge. He asks about three questions in a bit under three hours. He never
contradicts or challenges the Son of the Godhead. And somehow, he sits there
listening and doesn’t burst out laughing at any point.
Son of the Godhead (smart casual version)
I’ll come back to the funny bits but let me outline
for you the self-declared ‘conspiracy theorist investigator’ David Icke’s view
of the current pandemic. It’s not a lot different to the Instagram meme that Teen
2 showed me about three weeks ago which read: ‘You must stay inside to avoid
infection (while we change all the batteries in the birds)’.
Anyway, for Icke, the “dark suits” at the very top of
the pyramid, who secretly rule the world, have convinced the “sheeple” (the ordinary
herd of humanity) that there is such a thing as Covid-19. They have done this
so that the world has to go into lockdown. While in lockdown, “they” are
rolling out the 5G network so we can’t protest against it. The vaccine that we
will be offered for Covid-19 will contain “nano-technology microchips” that
will connect us all to a grid which will project a “technical sub-reality” so
that we all become obedient, controlled computers. And, it is in fact the 5G
network that causes the fake virus by messing with our electro-magnetic fields,
poisoning our cells, taking oxygen out of our bodies so that we appear to have
an infectious disease.
It takes David two and a half hours to explain this
with digressions that take in Elon Musk, the “super-psychopath,” how 5G could “target
an old people’s home and suck out all the oxygen,” why Neil Fergusson of
Imperial College is a “prat,” and how the Satanic global elite achieve their
aims with “fierce compartmentalisation.” He backs up his views with pseudo-science
and making connections that are true but meaningless such as the fact that
Wuhan was one of the first cities to have 5G.
Brian Rose, probing interviewer that he is, massages
the Icke ego with lines like this: “How does it feel, David, to have everything
you have written and talked about for thirty years come to fruition?” David has
to sit back and consider this question with his hands smugly folded over his
pot belly. You just know that he isn’t going to say what he’s thinking which
is, ‘It feels fricking* incredible, like sucking my giant turquoise penis until
I come inside my own divine mouth.’
* ‘fricking’ is David’s mild swear word that he uses a
lot: fricking hospitals/fricking satellites etc
For all the doubters out there, who are still under
the delusion that the coronavirus is real, Icke points you towards the very fact
that his video was taken down as proof that the “Orwellian global fascist elite”
don’t want you to hear the truth. David, after sitting through your conspiracy
ranting, I can tell you that people really need to see you and judge for
themselves. It won’t take them long.
Personally, I particularly enjoyed those frequent
moments when you did an impression of one of us ordinary “sheeple” and adopted
a deliberately dumb voice to say something on our behalf. More specifically, I
liked the recurring mention of “Ethel, on checkouts” as the most bovine example
you could think of, blindly following the health advice to stay in, washing her
hands and chewing down the media and government information like a stupid cow.
I was also amused by your very deeply held animosities to many public figure
such as Elon Musk (“should be locked up for the rest of his life”), Melanie
Dawes – director of OFCOM, for Neil Ferguson of Imperial College (“controlled
by Freemasonry”) and Bill Gates (“one of the most sinister human beings in
the solar system”).
Power to the Sheeple
If only this wasn’t such an important time for the global
human population then I might find David rather irritating, slightly amusing,
utterly insane, and completely harmless. Somehow, he’s spent 30 years hiding in
plain sight of psychiatric services without them bringing him in. And until
now, I guess he was only in danger of dying alone, in a turquoise bathrobe,
hoping to be embark on a transcendental journey to another dimension where he
could be absorbed into the cosmic egg. However, I don’t agree with censorship
and so I will let David Icke, Conspiracy Theory Investigator, Son of the
Godhead, Climate Change Denier, have the last words, taken directly from the
aforementioned video when David takes his critics to task by imitating them:
“ ‘Oh, that David Icke’s mad. He’s mad.’ Well,
you’re not laughing now, are you?”
Latest data for the UK (as of 11pm):
Infected: 78,991
Deaths: 9,875
Celebrity Deaths: 2
People I know who are infected: 1 (one teaching assistant)
Song of the Day: ‘2,000 Miles From Home' - The Rolling Stones
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