Sharknado, A Terrorist Coconut, and Keith Richard
Tuesday,
7th March 2020
Found the following on Wikileaks today. Thought my lovely readers might be interested...
CIA file: Z23-JHD
Zoom meeting - verbatim transcript dated Sunday, 5th
March 2020
Speakers:
Amir
Muhammad Sa’id Abdal-Rahman al-Mawla; de facto leader of ISIS (AMSARM)
SARS;
Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS)
Tommy
Robinson - real name Stephen Christopher Yaxley-Lennon; co-founder of the
English Defence League (TR)
MERS:
Middle East Respiratory Syndrome (MERS)
A
coconut (C)
SARS:
Amir, I can’t see you. Can you hear me?
AMSARM:
I can hear you and see you.
SARS:
Turn your camera on – it’s the icon in the top right. Looks like a camera.
AMSARM:
What about now?
SARS:
Yep, all good. Tommy, you’ve muted your mic. I can see you but I can’t hear
you.
TR:
Are you calling me a daft cunt?
SARS:
I can hear you now, Tommy, but if we can agree some ground rules for language at
the outset then this will be a more consensual meeting.
TR:
Say that again, in English.
SARS:
Less of the swearing.
TR:
Fuck’s sake. This is why we left Europe.
AMSARM:
How do I see everyone else?
SARS:
Tap the screen on the left, there’s an icon that looks like a grid.
AMSARM:
Oh yeah. Cool. Hi, everyone!
SARS:
Morning. Hey, MERS. Can you see and hear me?
MERS:
Roger that.
SARS:
Hold on, who’s that. Why is there a coconut here? Did anyone invite a coconut?
C:
Yo, wassup? I invited myself. You overlooked me, man, even though I kill 150 people
a year.
SARS:
Yeah, but this is a secret meeting between the world’s biggest killers.
C:
I have ambitions.
TR:
Let him stay. If all the brown people in the world thought they were white on
the inside, the world would be a better place.
AMSARM:
Kaffir! Allah will rain down his vengeance upon you for such words.
SARS:
Guys! We haven’t even started. Let’s remember why we’re here.
MERS:
To reclaim the spotlight.
ALL:
Reclaim the spotlight!
SARS:
Okay, so just for the next half hour, let’s see if we can pump the hate brakes,
set our differences aside, and co-ordinate a response.
C:
I’m feeling that vibe.
SARS:
So, we all agree that Covid-19-
MERS:
That fucking show-off!
SARS:
…that Covid-19 has stolen the limelight this year-
MERS:
Breaking the ‘Coronavirus Code’ as set out in Paragraphs 7-11.
SARS:
As I was saying, Covid-19 has gone rogue and is not responding to any of our messages.
He’s left the coronavirus WhatsApp group and is only posting pictures of himself
on ‘holiday’ from various locations on his Twitter account.
AMSARM:
So, I propose we persuade him to convert to Islam and perform Allah’s will in
the land of the infidels.
TR:
Nah, mate. I didn’t get a milkshake thrown over me just so you can create an
Islamic Republic. No way is Covid-19, a yellow, slitty-eyed virus, gonna set up
shop on these shores.
C:
How about an intervention? Invite him to a wine-tasting and then talk him
round. Roll him a doobie, put on some chillwave-
MERS:
Yeah, he’s a sucker for some wine and weed-
C:
Sorted!
MERS:
Sarcasm, you hairy hardball! I propose I get set loose again. As the coronavirus
with the highest fatality rate of 38% -
SARS:
Here we go again. If we’re going to start waving our willies in the air then,
actually, I am Covid-1, the Original Covid, the big OC.
MERS:
And with a fatality rate of, wait for it, a whopping 11% Even coconut beats
that.
C:
Cheers, MERS! Nice one.
AMSARM:
Not true. I just looked this up on my phone. 60.77 million metric tonnes of
coconuts were sold last year. The average coconut weighs 680 grams so that’s
nearly 9 billion coconuts out of which 150 proved fatal-
C:
Like I said, I have ambitions to upscale that number.
AMSARM:
…giving him a fatality rate of 0.000000000000172%
C:
We all gotta start somewhere. I just need more people lying down, preferably
with their eyes shut.
SARS:
Guys, I don’t think we’re getting anywhere here.
C:
I nearly got Keith Richards. Even cocaine heroin speedballs couldn’t kill that
fucker.
TR:
Nah, coconut. Sorry to fact check you again but I’m on his Wikipedia page. Says
he fell out of a coconut tree, not had one fall on his bonce.
C:
Same difference.
SARS:
Back to the agenda. A co-ordinated response means all of us, even you, coconut,
out there doing our bit. So, Tommy. I want you to march around with a Union
Jack, singing songs and being a bit rude to the police.
TR:
Consider it done.
SARS:
Amir, I think you need to revise your travel guidance. It’s not looking
particularly tough if all your jihadis are scared to go out because they might
get a cough.
AMSARM:
Allahu akbar!
SARS:
For you, MERS, I want you to get hold of bat. Get him biting some camels again.
Tell him, we’ll put him on the home page of the dark website.
MERS:
I’ll try but I’ve heard he’s getting tired of passing on all these
coronaviruses. He thinks that he’s only just got past everyone thinking he’s Dracula.
SARS:
Okay, let’s finish with the slogan.
C: Isn’t it a bit similar to the animals’ one of
‘Reclaim the Planet’ from that Punk Krow blog post of 25th March?
SARS:
You got a better one?
C:
What about: ‘This time it’s personal!’
AMSARM:
Wasn’t that the tagline from the last John Wicks film?
TR:
Nah, mate, it was from the fourth Jaws film, Jaws: The Revenge.
MERS:
Not a patch on the first one.
AMSARM:
I’m a Sharknado man, myself.
MERS:
Have you seen Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf?
C:
It maybe doesn’t have the emotional heft of Avalanche Shark but is cinematographically
superior to Five-Headed Shark Attack.
TR:
Enough of the long words, Coconut. This is England and we speak
Anglo-fucking-Saxon here!
AMSARM:
I love these shark films with the ladies in the skimpy bikinis and their jiggly
coconuts-
C:
Aw, c’mon. Don’t use me in that cliché. I’m a killer, lurking under the leaves,
silent and deadly-
MERS:
Not that deadly.
SARS:
You know what? This needs to stop.
[SARS
leaves the meeting]
[MERS
leaves the meeting]
[AMSARM leaves
the meeting]
C:
Tommy? Tommy…?
TR:
What?
C:
Have you seen Ghost Shark?
[TR
leaves the meeting]
C:
Coco-Shark – the deadliest nut in the seven seas. Cococtopus vs SquidBear…
[C
leaves the meeting]
Latest data for the UK (as of 10pm):
Infected: 55,242
Deaths: 6,159
Celebrity Deaths: 2 (And Bozza is no better…)
People I know who are infected: 3 (my boss, two teaching assistants)
Song of the Day: ‘Coconut’ – Harry Nilsson
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