The Death Stiffy


Thursday, 23rd April 2020


Do you remember when you could go onto the gay nudist beach on Marine Parade and hook up with some guys who would share their ‘G’ and take you to a chemsex party where you would fuck everything in sight until your nose was bleeding and then you’d come back to your conscious self three days later and you’d be in an empty flat and someone had stolen your clothes and your phone and you had to walk home wrapped in a bin bag with a splintered arse? Ah, those were the days…
Anyway, I have an exclusive for you lovely people today: an interview with Agbani Orisaguna, a cleaner who looked after Boris Johnson at his behest (when all the nurses were busy looking after patients with real life prospects).
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PUNK KROW:  Agbani, the nurses have got a lot of the credit, and media attention, but you have your own story to tell. When did you know that Boris Johnson was in the hospital where you work?
AGBANI:  Oh, I was deep vac’ing the floors when I sensed a real commotion. Then I saw him being brought in. He was in a wheelchair and trying to high-five everyone he passed in the corridor until one of the doctors had a word with him.
PK:  And what was your first impression of our Prime Minister?
AO:  Well, he not a good-looking man, is he? But still, close up in the flesh, he look like an old grey flannel been chewed by a dog. And the smell when he come past was something awful, like rotten fish.
PK:  Once he was in the ICU, how did you first interact with him?
AO:  Well, I have to clean everywhere so I went in his room and the nurse was in there checking him. She told me that she couldn’t get his temperature down or the ‘other thing.’ When I look, I see his little soldier propping up the bedsheet.
PK:  And what happened next?
AO:  Well, the nurse said it was a death-stiffy and he might not last the night but I didn’t know if she mean Boris or his soldier. Anyway, I cleaned the room and left him there but I noticed something on him.
PK:  What was that?
AO:  He got a third nipple, a little hairy rose.
PK:  Anything else?
AO:  Well, the doctor on the unit that night told me Mr Johnson was ‘medically abnormal.’
PK:  Did he explain?
AO:  Yes, he said that they couldn’t detect a pulse or his heartbeat. Also, he was cold-blooded, like those reptilian space aliens that the lovely Mr Icke keeps talking about.
PK:  I see. So, did you see Boris again?
AO:  Oh yes. He seemed confused most of the time. I heard him whimpering for ‘Nanny,’ and he sometimes looked cross when he saw me and tried to rip his oxygen mask off. One time, he started croaking deliriously for ‘more borders, less picaninnies.’
PK:  And did you notice his condition deteriorating?
AO:  Yes, the smell got worse and his eyes sank into his head like chipped marbles. One of the nurses told me there might not be long now. He became emotional. There was usually at least one nurse in there but sometimes they’d slip out when I was cleaning. Once, I was in there alone and he beckoned me over. I lifted his mask and he whispered one word over and over: ‘Moggers.’ I just smiled at him and emptied the bin.
PK:  Did you see him after that?
AO:  Yes, he started to get a bit perkier. The whole time his little soldier was always standing to attention. I felt his eyes on me when I was cleaning his room. He would sometimes take his mask off to tell me that I had ‘lovely, child-rearing hips.’ Then he pointed at his soldier and said, ‘Bouncing up and down usually gets rid of it.’ Then he said, ‘Brown babies are funky.’
PK:  What did you say to that?
AO:  I tell him I shatter his little pelvis before I all climbed on and that his soldier is too small to invade Nigeria.
PK:  If you had your time again, would you do or say anything differently?
AO:  Of course. If I knew he would survive, I would have sat on him, got high on his oxygen and watched him go purple, his pudgy little finger-sausages twitching and his little soldier falling to the side.

Latest data for the UK (as of 11pm):
Infected: 138,078
Deaths: 18,708
Celebrity Deaths: 3
People I know who are infected: 0
Song of the Day: ‘The Ghost Of You Lingers’- Spoon

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