The Great Big Amazing Fun Have You Been Paying Attention Quiz

 

Thursday 29^th October 2020

Remember when winter was tempered by the promise of Christmas shopping and mulled cider inside a Nordic tent in Brighton’s lanes, and a quick shag in the toilets at your Xmas do with that colleague who just looks more and more attractive with every Jagermeister you shovel down your dry old turkey neck?

Ah, those were the days…

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But fear not, fun-lovers. Let me enliven your day with a quiz. If you have been consuming the news with all the relish of a vegan downing a cup of warm goat’s blood then this is for you. Make sure you check the end results to see which kind of person you are.

1)      You are Boris Johnson and your phone pings with a message from Marcus Rashford, asking you very politely if you would reconsider your refusal to give out free lunch meals during the Christmas holidays. You know, so the kids with newly unemployed and furloughed mums and dads don’t starve to death watching Frozen 2 this winter.

Do you:

a)     Thank him for his timely intervention and declare you will make an immediate U-turn on this one.

b)     Tell him you’ll ask Dominic Cummings but you’re pretty sure he’ll say no.

c)      Tell him that no northern picaninny is going to dictate government policy just because he ate some stale crisps out of a bin when he was a kid.

2)     You are Tony Abbot, former Australian convict PM, and now freelance gobshite hired to negotiate Brexit for Britain. The European leaders say they are willing to give up some ground on fishing and pork pies in the negotiations.

How do you respond:

a)     Close the deal, assemble the media for a photo-op of you shaking hands with Claude Junker, and cash your fat cheque.

b)     Tell them that you’ll ask Dominic Cummings but you’re pretty sure he’ll say no. Cash your fat cheque.

c)      Call in the SAS to take Junker hostage. Call a press briefing during which you call all of Europe ‘a dingo’s chewed scrotum.’ Call your ex-wife and tell her she’s a dumpy old slag. Cash your fat cheque.

3)     You are Matt Hancock. Everything’s a shitty mess.

What do you do:

a)     Resign with a noble speech during which you acknowledge that you were always out of your depth and not waving but drowning.

b)     Ask Dominic but you’re pretty sure he’ll call you Twatty Handscock again.

c)      Blame it all on the public for not understanding all the different rule changes and bubbles and tiers and traffic lights and moonshots and…

4)     You are Dido Harding. You want to ask for a raise because on some days you have worked past 5:30pm in the evening and once you even missed Bake Off but the test and trace system is now only getting hold of three wrong numbers for every 100,000 tests.

What do you do:

a)     Realise you are being unrealistic, that you are not qualified in any way for the job you have been given, that none of the test and trace outsourcing has reaped any benefits for the giant sums these companies have been given and which cannot now be used for children’s lunches or laptops, and that you must resign immediately.

b)     Cry into a cheeky little glass of Chateaux Lafitte 1971.

c)      Blame the public for getting themselves all plague-y and not living in their sheds with a padlock on the outside.

5)     You are the Home Secretary, Priti Patel. A lawyer working pro bono delays the repatriation of a transgender Christian activist back to Saudi Arabia. What do you do:

a)     Ring them to say you have reconsidered all the facts of the case and have had a change of heart so that you are now convinced that returning the individual to their home country could very possibly mean they would part ways with their head in a televised ceremony.

b)     Tweet that ‘activist left-y lawyers’ are trying to turn Britain transgender and make it compulsory for all army forces personnel to go into battle wearing rainbow tutus and platform heels.

c)      Call your whole team into your office and spend the rest of the morning screaming at them, pulling down their masks to spit insults into their faces, and decimating your incompetent workforce by firing crossbow darts at the M&S lunches you have made them balance on their heads.

6)     You are Jacob Rees-Mogg. Nanny has ironed your Y-fronts with the crease one quarter inch too far to the left.

What do you do:

a)     Pretend to ignore it but let her know with the odd grimace that things are a little ‘off’ down there.

b)     Stand her in front of the fireplace and poke her gently fifty times with your muffin prong.

c)      Assemble all the downstairs staff, upbraid her in front of them, reduce her apron allowance by half, let the air out of the tyres on her penny farthing and make her walk backwards into any room you are occupying.

7)     You are Dominic Cummings. A super-forecaster wonk you have hired, has just done a shit on the carpet outside your office whilst doing a difficult sum. When you look on his computer, you find numerous videos of Japanese men with umbrellas washing their knobs in the tears of Indonesian schoolgirls.

What do you do:

a)     Fire him on the spot and get Twat Hancock to clear it up.

b)     Tell him to be more careful in future and ask him to forward the videos to you.

c)      Promote him to Minister of Culture, double his salary and make him a ceremonial offering of one of your hallowed beanies.

8)    You are Covid-19. You have a choice between heading back to Australasia and trying again with New Zealand or hopping over the English Channel and having another spree on mainland Britain.

What do you do:

a)     Admit defeat. You’ve had your fun and mutating is such hard work. The history books will never forget you so it’s time to retire and do some reading you’ve been meaning to catch up on.

b)     It’s gotta be New Zealand. Their prim good sense and efficient border control can’t stop you twice.

c)      However, the UK is just such a great place to be a virus. The citizens like breaking rules, the government are a circus fun mirror representation of real politics, and they are all nicely huddled up for winter. With a bit of effort, you could weed out all the elderly Tory voters and leave a healthy young majority voting bloc to bring in a brighter future. Oh hello… The USA is waving its hands in the air and shouting don’t forget about me. Winter in Florida? I’m already there.

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So there you have it but how did you get on? Find out where you fall on the left/right, fascist/socialist, liberal metropolitan elite/Proud Boy scale just below:

Mostly a)s: Ahhh, lovely old you… With your heart of gold and good sense, you’ll go far. Have you thought about a career as an unelectable member of the Liberal Democrats/

Mostly b)s: Hmmm. You seem to have been spending too much time reading the Daily Mail and now see the world through Brexit/the whole thing’s a conspiracy goggles. Have you thought about other people in your whole life? Never too late to start.

Mostly c)s: Oh dear oh dear oh dear. You seem to have been injected with the adrenal fluid of Donald J. Trump for which there is no vaccine. Two courses of action present themselves: start your own political party on a single issue (Fishermen’s Freedom Party/Sad White Men Party/Diabetes Is A Hoax Party) then ride that pony into parliament. Or become Boris Johnson’s fag, running him errands and taking the physical and verbal abuse you so crave from our little blond shell of a bomb.

Latest data for the UK (as of 12pm):

Infected: 942,000

Deaths: 45,675

People I know who are infected: A boy from the Reception class I teach one day a week. Poor little fella…

Song of the Day: ‘Is This It?’ – The Strokes