League of Nations: Part 3

Thursday, 30th April 2020

Nobody on this list now comes out of this with anything other than shit-stained socks. What we are really looking at is degrees of ineptitude and what separates the supremely incompetent from the willfully obstructive. There's just never been a better time to look at the world's leaders and feel your faith in good governance wither and die.

Brazil: 7th

Waited to Act: 8

Country Run by a Man: 9

Leader Shakes Hands: 7

Sarcastic Bleach Ingestion Jokes: 0

Started the Whole Shitshow by Eating a Pangolin: 0

Made Decisions Based on the Economy (instead of saving lives): 8                            Total: 32

FAAAAT FAAAAAAAAAAAACT!!!!!!!: Last weekend, Jair Bolsonaro took part in an anti-lockdown protest.

Yep, the leader of Brazil advocates doing fuck-all and then turning a violent shade of purple when your lungs burst like punctured footballs as his official response to Covid-19. He went on a protest against what everyone wants him to do so they can survive to see next Christmas. But Jair doesn’t care. So, phew, that’s me back on the beach playing keepy-up with my amigos, then. Thanks, Bolso-baby, for keeping us safe in this time of darkness.

Taking his lead from old Gurbanguly Whateverhisnameis, Jair is not one to sit on the fence or believe in that hippy-dippy science stuff. Rainforest? What rainforest? Coronavirus? What coronavirus? Blood on my hands? What is this, fucking Macbeth?

‘No, here in Brazil we’re too sexy and thong-y and keepy-upy to just sit inside our favela. We need crowds, sex, more crowds, more sex, crowd-sex, some football, some more sex and crowds and no silly virus spoiling the party. So, I, as your elected leader, say all the pouffes and poor people must die but everyone else, let’s partyyyyyy!’

If there is a hell, then I’m gonna go because I want to see the ‘party’ that Donald and Boris and Gubangooly-face and Kim Jong-Un and Scott Morrison are having. It’s gonna be hot! Sparks will fly! See you down under, fellas! (And I don’t mean Australia, Scott).

China: 8th

Waited to Act: 6

Country Run by a Man: 9

Leader Shakes Hands: 3

Sarcastic Bleach Ingestion Jokes: 0

Started the Whole Shitshow by Eating a Pangolin: 10

Made Decisions Based on the Economy (instead of saving lives): 8                            Total: 36

FAAAAT FAAAAAAAAACT!!!!!: Pangolins are fucking delicious!!!!!

Sorry, pangolins – but why you taste so good? You asking for trouble. And stop having sex with bats, okay.

When it comes to China, my forensic analysis may fall a little short. It’s kinda like the Kim Jong-Un is-he-isn’t-he-dead thing – if they don’t want you to know, you won’t know. But they gotta take some of the blame here. First, bird flu took flight (sorry, couldn’t resist) but couldn’t properly get off the ground (again, sorry). Next, SARS (Covid-1: the OC) made its way via infected caged civet cats in restaurants. Now, Covid-19 blows the whole world apart because pangolin delicious. Naughty naughty pangolin – why you so tasty?

Possessed by a Chines ogre? Then try tasty pangolin

So, first of all, it’s time America sent its diet wholesale over to China. A few more Pop Tarts, Big Macs, and Hershey bars, and a little less wild endangered animal dishes might be a good start. I would have recommended the Mediterranean diet but it didn’t do the Italians much good, did it?

Then we should also consider their Chernobyl-like reaction to Covid-19’s initial outbreak as the local politicos tried to ‘keep a lid on it’ with similar outcomes to the nuclear disaster. That’s the problem with authoritarian systems – nobody likes saying ‘the people are melting’ in case they get the blame.

Chinese Governor:  What are all these people dying of? It looks suspicious.

Wuhan politico:       Indigestion: too much pangolin.

Chinese Governor:  So it’s nothing to worry about. Everything’s under control?

Wuhan politico:       Yes, very very under control. Just please help us by shutting the city down and not telling our Paramount leader, Xi Jinping, that everyone is melting to death.

Chinese Governor:  I will tell him you have it under control.

Wuhan politico:       No, don’t do that. Tell him you have it under control.

Anyway, once it was very much out of control, the necessary measures were obvious: weld the doors shut, dig trenches around the city, put nets in the rivers in case anyone tries to swim for it. In other words, lay siege to your own countrymen. Imagine that in Croydon. I don’t think so. Of course, the Chinese economy cannot be allowed to stall and in a way it’s lucky it didn’t; who do you think is making all the PPE every country is fighting over or stealing off their nice neighbours (yes, USA, I do mean you – you owe Canada an apology).

So, overall, a bit of a shitshow that no amount of disposable gloves can make up for. When the world’s leaders all get back onto the playground, they can rightly point the finger at the Chinese and say, ‘He started it!’

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Right, that leaves only the Relegation Zone left with the bottom two doomed to go down. Who could it be? Who will be at the very very bottom? Tune in tomorrow to find out...