The League of Nations: Part 1.


Tuesday, 28th April 2020

Do you remember when you could pay cash for things without Beryl on checkouts looking at the £10 note you’ve just given her as if you’ve just vomited into her hand? Ah, the good old days…
There’s no sport on offer is there? The Champions League will never finish. The Olympics is cancelled. Wimbledon will not be selling strawberries for £17 a micro-punnet this year.
But don’t worry! I have compiled a ‘World Covid-Response League of Nations.’ Of course, the season/pandemic isn’t over yet so there is a chance for any of these countries to move places but most of them seem locked into their salvation/doom and unable to change course. Countries that are taking part were chosen by the Punk Krow in a private ceremony of the mind attended by nobody else. If you are a reader from abroad and your country is not represented here, and you would like it do so, then please send a manila envelope (marked ‘BRIBE’ in big red letters) stuffed with used notes to my home address.
So, here it is. I will release the list two or three at a time to make sure you keep coming back to my blog and don’t binge-blog it in one go. Today, places 1-3 (lowest score the better):

Taiwan: 1st
Waited to Act: 1
Country Run by a Man: 0
Leader Shakes Hands: 0
Sarcastic Bleach Ingestion Jokes: 0
Started the Whole Shitshow by Eating a Pangolin: 0
Made Decisions Based on the Economy (instead of saving lives) : 3                                     
Total: 4

FAAT FAAAAACT!!!!!: Taiwan is 81 miles from mainland China but has had only 77 confirmed cases. WTF! What is their secret? Let’s have a little look…

It turns out that they did everything they could at the right time to stop the spread of Covid-19. Yes, that’s right. Hard to believe, isn’t it? They checked all incoming flights from Wuhan to begin with and isolated passengers with symptoms. They tested and traced the few cases they had. Then they shut their borders and waited for it all to go away.

Now, they did have lots of advantages over many other countries: their president – Tsai Ing-Wen – is a woman; they are an island nation (so, so lucky – actually, wait a minute…); they made swift decisions and went after the coronavirus like the nasty invisible stealth killer it is, with all their resources and every citizen united in the effort to survive. It all sounds so simple and kind of obvious as long as you are not a jolly rum old chap who thinks waving a Union Jack on the cliffs of Dover will scare it away.


New Zealand: 2nd
Waited to Act: 3
Country Run by a Man: 0
Leader Shakes Hands: 0
Sarcastic Bleach Ingestion Jokes: 0
Started the Whole Shitshow by Eating a Pangolin: 0
Made Decisions Based on the Economy (instead of saving lives): 2                                      
 Total: 5                                          

How did they do it? Well, I suppose they had the massive advantage of being an island country and having sea all around them. Oh, hold on, that’s us as well, isn’t it? I’m going to put out a little theory that might hold water throughout: 95% of women are nicer than men. Jacinda Ahern is a woman; all the available science says so. So, let’s run through all the available clichés about women and see which help in a crisis.
Can do several things at once: Yes
Strongly developed sense of empathy: Yes
Doesn’t want others to die unnecessarily: Yes
Listens to other people before making decisions: Yes

Now, admittedly, Jacinda had a baby recently so wasn’t really seeing anyone and had a social circle of her, the baby, her husband, and that’s it. This must have made imposing a Stage 4 lockdown (Get the fuck inside, now! All of you!) a bit easier but still, she didn’t wait or worry about the general population getting ‘fatigue’ (Ha! Do you remember that? Our government not wanting to add a couple of weeks to the 157 we will have to stay in for because of ‘fatigue’). She also didn’t catch Covid-19 herself which might seem a small thing but just adds a smidgen of confidence that she can run the country without getting all macho with strangers and going in for a big bear hug. Go, Jacinda! When this shit is over, I am moving to New Zealand, buying a sheep, and will be seen casting rose petals at your feet.


Finland: 3rd
Waited to Act: 4
Country Run by a Man: 0
Leader Shakes Hands: 0
Sarcastic Bleach Ingestion Jokes: 0
Started the Whole Shitshow by Eating a Pangolin: 0
Made Decisions Based on the Economy (instead of saving lives): 2      
Total: 6                   


FAAT FAAAACT!!!: Number of cases when the UK decided maybe, just maybe, it was time to start lockdown: 6,650
Number of cases when Finland decided it was time for lockdown: 227
We win! Yay! Two World Wars and one World Cup! Take that Finland, you icy-titty no-hopers! Sorry, what’s that? Oh, apparently the bigger number the worse it is – sorry!


Now, I don’t know if we’re seeing a pattern here in the top three countries but the Prime Minister of Finland is Sanna Marin and she’s a woman. I may be biased, because I married one and my mum is one, too, but women are really rather good at stuff. Makes you wonder why we’ve never elected one really, doesn’t it? Oh wait, Thatcher – does she count? Or was she one of the Draco reptilian overlords (I think we know the answer to that one – Icke was right!)
Yeah, so to sum up: declared a State of Emergency nice and early, quarantined arrivals into the country, didn’t call anyone a ‘herd’ and kept the death count very low despite not being an island. Nice one, Finners! Sanna, we salute you!
*
Right, I wanna see all you lot (readers) back here tomorrow to find out who's next in the league. No point me dragging this out, if you don't return here each day. Love and kisses, PK

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