7 Things I Claim to Know Listicle-Thingy

 

Saturday, 17^th October 2020

Remember when you thought the world was run by grown-ups? Yeah, me too.

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To be honest, I feel like such an idiot. These last seven months I have been letting coronavirus dominate my life. I have been avoiding groups of people, not hugging my parents, going everywhere with a mask, washing the fuck out of my hands and worrying that people I know and love, and even people I know and only like a bit, might die.

What. An. Idiot.

All those parties I’ve missed. All that soap I’ve used. Like a fool. Thank goodness Donald Trump Jr., that wise old owl, gave us his sage advice: don’t let it dominate your life. Or: DON’T LET IT DOMINATE YOUR LIFE!

Repeat that line in the voice of Mister T from the A-Team and add ‘SUCKER!’ on the end and there is the Republican election slogan all ‘oven-ready’ to go as our dear old tortoise, sorry, dear old prime minister, Boris, might say.

Anyway, this is not a blog about Trump or Boris. Instead, I thought I’d have a hack at another of those uber-popular web listicle thingamajiggies about what I have learnt about life, COVID-19, and the universe.

Here goes:

1)      Teenagers are more fun in theory.

And at a distance. And in small doses. Best avoid, I’ve found, leaving your computer on the setting that flashes up old photos of your life including your children when they were little. And when they thought you were the best thing since Easter eggs.

It’s just not nice doing the comparison of that little cherub digging sandcastles on the beach and beaming up at you with the giant, spotty teenager shovelling biscuits into his blue-screened, mobile-haunted face.

2)     Puppies are cute.

Alright, this is not necessarily a revelation on the scale of the Earth orbiting the sun but, in times of crisis, it’s perhaps good to remind yourself of the simpler things in life.

Our cockapoo puppy, Sheriff, has been the one constant beam of sunshine and happiness throughout this shittiest of years. Want some unconditional love (like a small child might give you, spontaneously, unfiltered, with no resentment at the lack of food in the cupboards) every time you walk into a room? Of course you do. Need five minutes out of reading the news and watching the graph of our country’s demise spike like an overdosing heroin addict to go and lie down with a small ball of black and white fluff? He’s right there, waiting. Sorry, cat lovers but you know they’d be chewing your Covidious remains should you die alone at home even whilst your body was still warm.

3)     There’s been a serious disconnect between what you see on the news and what’s outside your window.

So, I suppose it’s no surprise that conspiracy theories are running wild. At the worst of the pandemic, here in the UK, it was still possible to take the dog for a walk in the park with the sun blazing merrily away, the birds chirping their tiny little hearts out, the sea shimmering on the horizon, and nobody falling over dead in front of you or glowing green with coronavirus as they staggered, zombie-like towards you with blood foaming out of their eyeballs. News: you will all die unless you hide under your bed for the next six months. Reality: sun’s out, shall we take the dogs to the beach? Bit weird to process, really…

4)     Crisis can be good for creativity.

Only speaking personally here but the approaching Rapture proved to be an amazingly powerful deadline for getting some writing done. Starting with the ‘bubble’ of keyworker children I taught for the summer term, I got started on a children’s book and completed it (65,000 words) by the end of the summer holidays. I am 40 pages into the rather presumptive sequel (currently trying to get first book published) and have ideas pouring out of me like a rather splendid waterfall. I have also been collecting driftwood, shells, and other items from the local beaches and making various items to clog up the shed which has been a very meditative hobby. Looking at people’s Facebook posts and other social media, I’m pretty sure I am not alone in using this time as a way to do what matters, rather than trot along paying the bills and counting the days.

5)     Nothing has changed in terms of ‘winners and losers’ in the big picture.

Were you poor/on a zero-hours contract/ living in the north-east/a single parent/BAME/an artist of any sort/self-employed/female/or all of the above? Yeah? Well, you’re fucked, mate!

Sorry, but what you should have done is get born as a human male into a rich family in the south of England, go to Eton, then Oxbridge where you join a society of Conservative Pig-Fuckers who trash restaurants for jolly japes, then use your ‘contacts’ to slither into a position as an untrained journalist with ‘saucy’ opinions that raise the hackles of the left-y liberal metropolitan elite (who, if they exist, must number about four people), then hop into politics because some of your old punting buddies are there or, form a company to sell ideas/advice/consultancy to your old chums from the Pig-Fuckers Society for contracts worth millions of the taxpayers’ dollars. Ha-ha, isn’t it amazing what deals slide by in the middle of a ‘national emergency’ when people are too busy dying or hovering around food banks because they are scared of their actual money bank that owns their house/life and wants it back. It’s your own fault for being born wrong and letting coronavirus dominate your life (sucker!).

6)     When the world is stranger than fiction, conspiracy theories offer cold comfort.

I have predicated almost my entire existence on the importance of storytelling and subscribe to the theory that we need stories to find our place in the universe, to know more about why we are alive and what is worth knowing during our short stay on this green-blue planet.

Therefore, it is not really a surprise to me that a threat to our lives and those of our loved ones makes people reach out for some kind of explanation beyond the scientific. It is, after all, easier to believe in a secret cabal of overlords (Bill Gates, Hilary Clinton, Jimmy Savile, maybe) abusing children and drinking their blood so they can be immortal than trying to understand an invisible virus that it is almost impossible to avoid.

Actually, hold on; after re-reading that sentence, I realise that the QAnon believers out there are just batshit crazy. There is no ‘beating’ their argument, either. If you declare they have no proof, then they say that just proves the depth of the cover-up. When they say COVID is a hoax and their beloved orange leader gets it, they can explain it away as a poisoning by the ‘deep state’ or Trump pretending he is ill to throw off his enemies. The more you argue with them, the further they dig down in their foxholes.

7)     Some things don’t change/Life goes on etc

When the world flips upside down, it is important to cling to the things that make you well. I have read more, written more, swam in the sea more, taken more long walks and bike rides, bought less shit, got off the ridiculous hamster wheel that was my teaching career and now roam free-range and dirt poor but happy.

It seems more obvious to me that the glitzy capitalist merry-go-round is a huckster’s carnival ride that is easy to get on to and almost impossible to get off, until a virus makes the horses look yellow and jaundiced and the barker’s calls to climb aboard ring back hollowly. So, fuck you, capitalism and all your shiny toys!

(Apologies in advance to all my family and friends who are doomed to receive some driftwood craft pieces this year. Just remember: the revolution starts one hand-crafted item at a time!)

 

There you have it. Couldn’t quite make it to a list of ten but I am open to learning more before this pandemic is over. And it is far from over. As Game of Thrones characters were fond of saying: ‘Winter is coming.’

See you on the other side.

Latest data for the UK (as of 12pm):

Infected: 689,000

Deaths: 43,429

People I know who are infected: None and our household now roam like defiant warriors who have done their bit on the frontline; it’s been here, baby, and we kicked its ass. And I have a sore toe as a war wound of my time in ‘Nam.

Song of the Day: ‘Over Everything’ – Courtney Barnett & Kurt Vile