Satire and Shopping: the end of the fucking world

 

Remember when this blog didn’t exist and your lives felt futile and empty without its bitter satire and biting social commentary? Yeah, those were the days, eh?

I think that before I end this blog, I should perhaps revisit the various touchstones that have been a recurring feature. Namely: the Daily Mail Online, David Icke, Donald Trump, our government (done last week) blah blah blah

I have, during ‘research’ for this blog, completely fucked up my internet search history and possibly appeared as a small blip on GCHQ. I make no apology for being an armchair anarchist, a liberal, freedom-loving ‘libtard’ but I am keen to seek out the opinion of others, particularly those others whose views might be diametrically opposed to mine. This has led me into some dark corners of the internet: the EDL: the Proud Boys website (much duller than you might imagine); the Ku Klux Klan (lightly dressed racism still smells like racism – you can’t dress a turd and call it a wizard); the Daily Mail Online (celebrity cleavage watch); and David Icke’s loud and luridly amazing website.

When I land on these home pages, I feel a little bit dirty. I know I am just here to watch but that doesn’t stand up in a court of law for something like a bank robbery, does it? And the longer I stay, the filthier I feel. Watching a three hour ‘interview’ with David Icke on his website (a task that had to be done in small bursts over several days to avoid Conspiracy Theory Burnout Syndrome) is not something I recommend. To anyone, ever. So, this last time round, I will limit myself to something niche, a quick smash-and-grab.

Today it’s the shopping experience to be had on the website of the Turquoise Demiurge himself, the mighty Icke-ster. Mostly, David is offering to share his many many thoughts with you in book form. Amongst the various offerings – and David has been a very busy man; his output is huge – are such classics as the following:

·       Children of the Matrix: “Who are the children of the Matrix? WE ARE. All of us. In this book David goes deeper than any other into the Reptilian Manipulation of Human life”. Front cover: half human face, half lizard face.

·         Everything You Need to Know But Have Never Been Told: “The ‘mad man’ who has been proved right again and again and again.  They called him ‘crazy’, ‘insane’, a ‘lunatic’, and he was subjected to decades of ridicule, dismissal and abuse. Oh, but how things change…”). Front cover: giant smug-looking Icke face.

·         Tales from the Time Loop: “David Icke has been warning for well over a decade of the plan for a world fascist state, a global version of Nazi Germany, in which the people will be prisoners of a Big Brother dictatorship founded on the suppression of the most fundamental freedoms and total control and surveillance. Today there is a gathering awareness that he was right. People are realizing that Big Brother is no longer “coming” – he’s here!”  Front cover: cheap digital image of a ‘web-world’ with a picture of some Christian crosses, George Bush Jr, Hitler, and some other indistinguishable nonsense, maybe a Reptilian Overlord or two.

But my favourite, for the front cover alone (see below) is I Am Me, I Am Free. Let’s imagine, for a moment, that David pays a graphic artist to pull together these front cover images and then let’s imagine the following conversation (I have chosen to make the graphic artist a normal human instead of a rabid Icke-ist, someone who needs the money rather than a total ‘I-See-What-You’re-Getting-At-David’ fruitcake with an Adobe Acrobat DC account).

David: So, I think I want to be on the cover of this one.

Graphic Artist: Okay, ping me over the headshot and I’ll put it in.

D: Well, I was thinking more of a whole body one.

GA: Sure, maybe you in that cashmere jumper sitting on the leather chair.

D: Not really. As this book is an unveiling, a lifting of the veil, I was thinking that I wanted to keep the ‘naked truth’ angle.

GA: You want to get your willy out?

D: Yeah, but this is the clever bit – we put a censored sticker over my manhood.

GA: (Long pause) Okaaaay…

D: Don’t worry. It will be tasteful. I’ve shaved my nipples.

GA: And have you been working out?

D: No, gyms are fascist self-image factories with digital face-scanning and fingerprint technology embedded in the machines.

GA: Right. So it’s your middle-aged dad-bod we’ll be getting.

D: Yep – in all its glory. And I want a crown of light emanating from my head.

GA: I can do that. What about behind and around you? 

D: Yellow as the main colour because there needs to be a sun illuminating me as the world’s one true saviour.

GA: Riiiight…

D: And I’ve already sent you a couple of my sketches of the characters I want on either side of me.

GA: The Native American and the Nefertiti chick?

D: That’s Tipi Tim and Cosmic Karen, actually. They’re my spirit guides, sent by the Uni-Daddy to lead me on the path to universal understanding.

GA: Oh, sorry. And are those testicles or slipped breasts on Tipi Tim?

D: Are you taking the piss?

GA: No!

D: They’re his spirit eggs.

GA: Yeah, actually, I really don’t need to know. So, you want me to knock them into something a bit sharper?

D: No, I want them as they are. I drew those in a dream-state. I was visited by these beings who had crossed many universes to get to me and so they are sacred images.

GA: Hm. Do you actually need me to do anything in terms of graphic artistry?

D: Yes, put the Snake of All Evil and Deception between my legs.

GA: I think it might look like a turd or a tapeworm that’s fallen out of your flabby anus.

D: I’ll double your fee.

GA: It’s your book, man. If that’s what you want…

D: What I want is for the Reptilian Overlords to release us from the Matrix but this book is the next step.

GA: Yeah, whatever. So, let me see if I’ve got this right: yellow cover, naked you, tapeworm, NeferTipi, sun halo.

D: You got it.

 

Of course, if you don’t want to read endless books of Dave’s brain drivel then there is always the chance to purchase something from the ‘Health & Wellness’ section. Perhaps the ‘Organic Lion’s Mane Extract Mushroom’? It doesn’t tell you what it’s for but if it gives me a mane like David’s still impressive locks, then I might fork out the £25 they’re asking.

Lastly, there is ‘Gareth Icke 3’ in the CD section (priced at a catchy £5), an album of music, I think. I can’t tell you much about what is on it because the album blurb makes no mention of any songs or even who Gareth is (David’s son/brother/alter ego/Reptilian Overlord?). Here, pretty much, is the entire promotional blurb for the album:

“in 432 HZ rather than 440 HZ. Most music worldwide has been tuned to A=440 Hz since the International Standards Organization (ISO) promoted it in 1953. However, when looking at the vibratory nature of the universe, it’s possible that this pitch is disharmonious with the natural resonance of nature and may generate negative effects on human behaviour and consciousness.

Some theories suggest that the Nazi regime had been in favor of adopting this pitch as standard after conducting scientific research to determine which range of frequencies best induce fear and aggression. Whether or not the conspiracy is factual, interesting studies have pointed towards the benefits of tuning music to A=432 Hz instead.”

I know a lot of scientists will be relieved that Gareth Icke has done the legwork for them to establish the ‘vibratory nature of the universe’, presumably by sticking a turquoise dildo up his arse (sadly, not available in the Icke store). I now imagine that the whole album is one sustained note of a tuning fork in the same way that David Icke’s output is one long sour note, a Munch scream of one who has stared too long at the sun and then decided the big red thing in the sky is actually a lizard eyeball watching our every move.

To sum up the Icke store – here’s the official score:

The ethos of the brand runs through it like a message through Brighton Rock: 8

Quality control standards: 2

Will help you survive the pandemic: 1 (unless you want to hide under the duvet with Gareth Icke 3 blasting out of your speakers whilst you stroke the naked Icke on the front cover of I Am Me, I Am Free until you imagine you can hear him purr-orgasming)

Total score (out of 30): 11

Latest data for the UK (as of 12pm):

Infected: 4.21 million

Deaths: 124,000

People I know who are infected: Nobody.

Song of the Day: ‘I Turned Into A Martian’ – The Misfits