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How to invade Uruguay and other personal stories

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  Friday, 5 th February 2021 Remember when you moved in a crowd, the roar at a match, the singalong at a gig, the crush of a bar on a Friday night at last orders, the warmth of others...? Nah, me neither. * So many of you have been asking me* how we, as a family unit, are getting on in Lockdown 3 – Revenge of the Mutating Virus that I thought it would be good to give you an insight into life chez nous. [*  Utter bullshit: nobody is asking me. I think writing that influencer blog post has infected my brain and I am now doomed to think and write as if I have a large audience of followers.] If Lockdown 1 had a kind of wunderbrat vibe going on, like a gatecrasher in a neon shellsuit vomiting in your sock drawer and knocking your family photos off the shelves with his enormously sharp, free-swinging elbows, at least it had the element of surprise and originality on its side. Lockdown 2, at only a month long, was more like the relative you dislike coming to stay at their o...

Living my best life

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Remember when you had things to do? Anyway, I thought I would share this with you: Instagram influencer, Shanelle Kerrigan’s latest messages to her followers following on from Priti Patel’s hate-splash in the House of Commons re what is essential travel ie. Not going to the Middle East to hang out in a bikini. * So super necessary! It's super Tuesday! Hey guys, love to all the Kerrifam out there. So good to hear from you all. We gotta stay connected to get through this, girlz and boys. 💕 So many of you have been asking me about the bikini I was wearing yesterday by the infinity pool. I guess it must be getting warmer back there in the UK which is super cool. If you like the bikini then check out the link below for a cheaper version you might be able to afford and that comes in your sizes. It’s so hot out here in Dubai that most days I have to leave the pool area and do some work inside. Today I tried a complete treatment for my forehead after those lovely people from F...

A War On Teachers

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  Thursday, 7 th January, 2021 Remember when you couldn’t go out unless you were wearing hi-vis spandex for your daily hit of exercise and that time when you could only get in your car for ‘essential travel’ to the supermarket to load up your boot with ‘survivor gin’? And that time when your kids were at home being ‘home-schooled’ – that was fun wasn’t it? Oh, and that time when you had to do yoga at home with your son’s drill music invading the newly opened calm space in your head that you had just worked so hard to create? Yeah, remember that? Phew! Thank goodness that was last year when nobody, not even our elite government cabinet taskforce, was prepared for the coronavirus thingymabob… Wait, hold on, is anybody feeling a bit Groundhog Day? * Hello again, dear friends. How’s your general mood on the following scale: Resigned/Sad/Distressed/Depressed/Woebegone/Disconsolate/Morbidly Afraid Of course, it is possible to move back and forth on this scale in one day and ex...

The Great Big Amazing Fun Have You Been Paying Attention Quiz

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  Thursday 29 th October 2020 Remember when winter was tempered by the promise of Christmas shopping and mulled cider inside a Nordic tent in Brighton’s lanes, and a quick shag in the toilets at your Xmas do with that colleague who just looks more and more attractive with every Jagermeister you shovel down your dry old turkey neck? Ah, those were the days… * But fear not, fun-lovers. Let me enliven your day with a quiz. If you have been consuming the news with all the relish of a vegan downing a cup of warm goat’s blood then this is for you. Make sure you check the end results to see which kind of person you are. 1)       You are Boris Johnson and your phone pings with a message from Marcus Rashford, asking you very politely if you would reconsider your refusal to give out free lunch meals during the Christmas holidays. You know, so the kids with newly unemployed and furloughed mums and dads don’t starve to death watching Frozen 2 this winter. ...