The Incredible Wordsmith

Thursday, 30th April 2020 Nobody on this list now comes out of this with anything other than shit-stained socks. What we are really looking at is degrees of ineptitude and what separates the supremely incompetent from the willfully obstructive. There's just never been a better time to look at the world's leaders and feel your faith in good governance wither and die. Brazil: 7th Waited to Act: 8 Country Run by a Man: 9 Leader Shakes Hands: 7 Sarcastic Bleach Ingestion Jokes: 0 Started the Whole Shitshow by Eating a Pangolin: 0 Made Decisions Based on the Economy (instead of saving lives): 8                             Total: 32 FAAAAT FAAAAAAAAAAAACT!!!!!!!: Last weekend, Jair Bolsonaro took part in an anti-lockdown protest. Yep, the leader of Brazil advocates doing fuck-all and then turning a violent shade of purple when your lungs burst like punctured footballs as his official respon...

Wednesday, 29 th April 2020 Do you remember when the population of the world was a little bigger? I do. Anyway, it’s back: Part 2 (countries placed 4-6) of this inaugural World Covid-Response League of Nations (just imagine the Champions League theme tune here). We start moving here from the merely competent to the shockingly asinine before we get to the jaw-dropping, WTF-ery of the bottom four countries over the rest of the week. So, sit back, pour yourself a mug of Ovaltine and read all about iiiiiiiiiiit. Sweden: 4th Waited to Act: 5 Country Run by a Man: 6 Leader Shakes Hands: 0 Sarcastic Bleach Ingestion Jokes: 0 Started the Whole Shitshow by Eating a Pangolin: 0                                                                                 ...

Tuesday, 28 th April 2020 Do you remember when you could pay cash for things without Beryl on checkouts looking at the £10 note you’ve just given her as if you’ve just vomited into her hand? Ah, the good old days… There’s no sport on offer is there? The Champions League will never finish. The Olympics is cancelled. Wimbledon will not be selling strawberries for £17 a micro-punnet this year. But don’t worry! I have compiled a ‘World Covid-Response League of Nations.’ Of course, the season/pandemic isn’t over yet so there is a chance for any of these countries to move places but most of them seem locked into their salvation/doom and unable to change course. Countries that are taking part were chosen by the Punk Krow in a private ceremony of the mind attended by nobody else. If you are a reader from abroad and your country is not represented here, and you would like it do so, then please send a manila envelope (marked ‘BRIBE’ in big red letters) stuffed with used notes to my ...

Monday, 27 th April 2020 Do you remember when shooting heroin directly into your own eyes was more dangerous than sitting in the park? Ah, those were the days… My suspicion that I am (unknowingly) playing myself in a version of The Truman Show has not been helped by the wall to wall sunshine that greets me whenever I dare to step outside (or into the ‘death-zone’ as it is now called). Of course, this sunshine is easy to fake when the extent of my geographic explorations often ends at my back fence. I hope they hurry up and either, change all the batteries in the birds, or erect the mind-controlling 5G masts, because lockdown is getting on my tits now. I have completed the seating area at the end of the garden just in time for it to rain for the next few days. Another 1,000 piece geisha puzzle is also nearly done. We have played Risk twice. And Monopoly. We have weeded and cleaned and done every possible walk that starts and ends at our front door. The dog is sick of...