The Incredible Wordsmith

  Thursday 29 th October 2020 Remember when winter was tempered by the promise of Christmas shopping and mulled cider inside a Nordic tent in Brighton’s lanes, and a quick shag in the toilets at your Xmas do with that colleague who just looks more and more attractive with every Jagermeister you shovel down your dry old turkey neck? Ah, those were the days… * But fear not, fun-lovers. Let me enliven your day with a quiz. If you have been consuming the news with all the relish of a vegan downing a cup of warm goat’s blood then this is for you. Make sure you check the end results to see which kind of person you are. 1)       You are Boris Johnson and your phone pings with a message from Marcus Rashford, asking you very politely if you would reconsider your refusal to give out free lunch meals during the Christmas holidays. You know, so the kids with newly unemployed and furloughed mums and dads don’t starve to death watching Frozen 2 this winter. ...

  Saturday, 17 th October 2020 Remember when you thought the world was run by grown-ups? Yeah, me too. * To be honest, I feel like such an idiot. These last seven months I have been letting coronavirus dominate my life. I have been avoiding groups of people, not hugging my parents, going everywhere with a mask, washing the fuck out of my hands and worrying that people I know and love, and even people I know and only like a bit, might die. What. An. Idiot. All those parties I’ve missed. All that soap I’ve used. Like a fool. Thank goodness Donald Trump Jr., that wise old owl, gave us his sage advice: don’t let it dominate your life. Or: DON’T LET IT DOMINATE YOUR LIFE! Repeat that line in the voice of Mister T from the A-Team and add ‘SUCKER!’ on the end and there is the Republican election slogan all ‘oven-ready’ to go as our dear old tortoise, sorry, dear old prime minister, Boris, might say. Anyway, this is not a blog about Trump or Boris. Instead, I thought I’d hav...

Monday, October 5 th 2020 Do you remember when I wrote this blog and you read it? Well, I’m baaaaack, baby! Like a venereal disease you just can’t rid yourself of; like a boyband who keep reforming for one last ‘Pay-the-Taxman’ tour; like a Facebook friend from school; like a fox shitting in your garden every night – you just can’t keep me away! I had to stop the blog back at the end of June because I suddenly and unexpectedly found myself in full-time employment again. Mustn’t grumble, I suppose, in today’s economic climate but I soon put paid to it by handing in my notice and going from full time to 1.5 days a week. As ever, my timing is immaculate and all I have to do now is surf the global economic boom all the way to the bank. To say a lot has happened in the time between the end of June and now is like saying 1666 was quite a busy year for Londoners. So, before I give you the lowdown of when and how coronavirus entered our household, I’ll summarise the last few months in b...